I spent the weekend in North Carolina with my old College/beach roommate. Instead of BFFs, we call each other R4Ls (Roomies for life) because we’re cool…actually, we’re incredibly weird, which we discussed quite a bit this weekend.
I spent New Years Eve/Day with her and we talked a lot about David, (Wrote about David here: Hookup Culture) and I’ve texted her periodically some updates on what’s been going on since then. However, I had not told her about the hookup yet…honestly, I was a little afraid to.
The reason I went to see her this weekend was to help her pack to move to Bosnia. Yes, Bosnia. She is going there to be a missionary and has finally raised the funding she needs to be able to go, which is both fantastic and terrifying for her.
Anyways…so…I was pretty scared to tell her about the hookup because I didn’t want to let her down. She’s kind of like a little sister to me and I didn’t want to disappoint her. She was definitely not stoked to hear it and when she heard some about how he has acted she said “I will cut a bitch!” which made me laugh a lot and not feel so uncomfortable.
Surprisingly, she encouraged me to talk to him and not wait for him to approach me. The more we talked about the night I saw him at the bar with Stephanie, the more she seemed to feel that he actually does have feelings for me and that I need to just man-up and talk to him. I cringed and sank down in my seat each time throughout the weekend that she brought it up. The weird thing is, it kept getting brought up in one way or another.
We spent time talking about our astrological signs and our Myers-Briggs Personality types (I am an INFJ–Sometimes INFP and she is an ENFJ). Well, my Virgo-INFJ-self tends to be a bit on the shy side. I don’t like putting all of my feelings out there in the open and give someone the opportunity to hurt me. Like I posted before in my “Hookup Culture” post, It’s honestly much easier to be vulnerable with my body than my mind. I could hookup with him again, but telling him how I actually feel? Nope. No, thanks.
My R4L and I started looking up different personality tests and taking them and sharing our results. One of the questions was: “do you trust your feelings over logic?” So I asked her what she thinks I do. Her smart-ass-Aquarius-ENFJ-self said, “well are you going to trust your feeling of fear and not talk to David or are you going to trust that talking to him is a logical thing to do at this point?”
UGH. For real?!
She’s so right though. I laughed and said that I TRUST that my feelings are irrational and that logically having this conversation with David is the best idea; however, that didn’t necessarily mean I am willing to do the logical thing.
It made me think a lot about the motivations behind my actions and/or words. Do I allow my feelings to lead me or do I follow “logic?” This conversation helped me to see the importance of recognizing the rationality or irrationality of my feelings and deciding whether I would allow them to lead me or not.
Ya know, sometimes I just want to kick myself in the face for seeking to become more self-aware.
The very last thing she said to me (besides “love you”) was “I’ll be praying that you have the strength to talk to that boy.” Thanks, asshole. Love you too. I really do love her though.
Sometimes, I think our feelings can lead us down the right path and what may appear to be “logical” is actually what will lead you down the wrong path. Other times, our feelings could be all that holds us back from doing the right thing.
So here’s to acknowledging both feelings and logic and deciding which path to follow!
Discernment, my friends. Embrace that shit.