Ha…I just realized the title of this post is what Facebook asks you when you’re wanting to write a status…I’m on Facebook too much sometimes.
This post is not actually about Facebook.
Anyways…back in February, David (for background story about who David is: Hookup Culture and Fate with a Twist) and I were at some friend’s house and while we were there we were flirting and apparently he sent me a Facebook message (well…there’s Facebook again…) but I was actually making a conscious effort to not be on my phone while I was with my friends. I especially was not getting on Facebook. At one point in the night he was asking me what kind of a phone I had and then mentioned using Facebook messenger rather than texting…totally flew over my head that he was trying to get me to check my Facebook messages. However, like I mentioned, we were flirting and having fun and all of a sudden I noticed a change in him. He wasn’t looking me in the eye much and there was pretty much no flirting and he seemed to act a little shy. Weird. I was really confused, but just tried to ignore it and enjoy hanging out with everyone.
I got home at 4:30am and finally checked my Facebook messages. He had written me around 2:30am saying that he thought I looked amazing. Then there was another message of him apologizing for being awkward, and said he was just trying to have fun…So I guess he thought I ignored his message on purpose. I wrote him back and said thank you and that it wasn’t awkward, I just hadn’t seen the message.
I knew exactly when he had sent the second message. It was when I had noticed the change in the way he was acting. He felt awkward. He thought I had ignored him.
I’m a bit of a shy person and often in big groups I tend to take in much more than I put out. Because of this aspect of my personality, I’m very observant of other’s behaviors. I felt really lucky to be able to know exactly what was going through his mind when he all of a sudden started acting a bit shy and no longer flirting.
This got me thinking about what it would be like if for an entire day we wrote out every thought we had through the day. While we were alone. While we were with our friends. While we were working. Wherever we went and whatever we were doing. Whether our thoughts were happy, sad, full of anger, awkward and insecure, sexual, dark, funny, mean, stressful, etc. What if we allowed ourselves to be that vulnerable? To allow someone to really get into our minds for a day without holding back or censoring ourselves. It would be so interesting to me if while in a group setting like that night in February, people would be willing to be that vulnerable.
Would I be able to truly be that vulnerable? Would I want someone to know every single thought and feeling I had? Would I be able to do that without censoring myself out of fear of exposing some part of myself that I wouldn’t want others to know about?
What holds us back from being an open book? Is it fear of rejection? Fear of being made fun of? Maybe it’s not fear…maybe it’s just that we want to keep things to ourselves sometimes. Maybe it’s because we choose to not bring drama into other people’s lives. Maybe it’s because we know we could lose our shit or hurt someone. Whatever the motivation is to not be this open with others, we all do it.
So what’s really on your mind?