More Self-Awareness?

Ok, so this week has been a bit stressful for me. Stressing about taking the pregnancy tests, over-thinking a lot of things and not being able to get them out of my mind, trying to focus on school but I was extremely unsuccessful…it was just emotionally draining, to be honest.

I almost wrote “tbh” but like, I’m 28. How old is too old to be saying that kind of shit? Sometimes I wonder that about shopping at stores like Forever 21, too. Like, when is the age cut off exactly? Because it says “forever” in the name. When I was deciding whether or not I should get my nose pierced last summer, I texted my best friend (who is 29) and said “thinking about getting my nose pierced, am I too old for that shit?” I did it anyways. Wow…none of this has anything to do with what I am going to write about. Medicine has officially warn off. ADHD! Woo!

Anyways, so…needless to say, I haven’t been in the very best mood. So my friend Brit and I were going to go to the bar last night to see my friend’s band play again, but I wasn’t sure if David would be out there or not, so as soon as we pulled up I asked if she minded if we went somewhere to get food instead. I just couldn’t do it last night. I didn’t want to see him or get hit on by drunk guys or anything like that because I may have pulled some punches. I’m typically really laid back and chill, but my tolerance level has just been a bit lower this week than it usually is.

Brit was cool with us getting food, so we headed to Ihop. Because breakfast food. I was really relieved for it to just be us hanging out, eating some food, having a low-key night. Well the guy she’s been talking to hit her up (drunk) and decided he was going to join us at Ihop, which was fine, I didn’t mind that. But he brought a friend. Who hit on me the entire time. How can someone ask so many questions? How can you possibly want to know all of these things about me after meeting me two seconds ago? Like, literally two seconds ago? My mostly introverted self was ready to go find somewhere to hide until everyone just left. I stuck it out though, answered the questions, did a little flirting just because and ate me some damn good blueberry pancakes.

He got my number. And texted me last night. Then texted me this morning. I just had to be honest and tell him that I’m not into it and didn’t want to lead him on. I absolutely hate doing that. Especially because he’s actually a nice guy. But also very intensely Aries. The Aries energy can be amazing and inspiring, but also super exhausting for this Virgo. Especially when I am introverting so hard.

Last night I looked further into my astrological birth chart to see how all of the signs in my chart interacted and how they influenced my personality/actions. What I found was fantastic! As stated many times throughout my blog, I’m undeniably a Virgo. But there are aspects to my personality that are so incredibly different from the Virgo description. For instance, Virgo’s supposedly don’t like surprises/being spontaneous/going on adventures, but these things keep me going in life. The very first thing I read was this:

“Applying Sun Square Uranus
You are at your happiest when being rash and impulsive and going off at a moment’s notice to do something crazy. You thrive when life brings you a new adventure out of the blue. This tendency, however, can raise havoc with any expectation of a settled “normal” lifestyle. If you do not seek out a way of life and relationships that leave all possible options available to you, you will not feel comfortable. If you know you can leave whenever you feel like it, you probably won’t, but if you do, it won’t matter, at least to you. Any attempt, by yourself or others, to “pin you down” will cause you to react in an extreme and/or irrational fashion.” –Retrieved from http://www.alabe.com

Life makes sense again. 

Well, reading the part about relationships really clicked with me! That is such a perfect description of how I react to relationships. If a guy, like the dude last night, is coming off way too strong (example: he said “I’m going to get your number and we’re going to go to lunch”) I am going to back peddle the hell away from them. This is why it was easy for me to hookup with David (You can read about this here: Hookup Culture). I wasn’t nervous or uncomfortable because there was no pressure for this is become a relationship. As much as I have an incredible longing for companionship and love, I crave adventure, fun, excitement and independence. I want the benefits of a relationship without the commitment and that kind of sucks. I really do want to be loved and cared for and to start a family one day, but it scares the hell out of me. 

Reading the things this website had to say just added to my search for self-awareness. When I find out stuff about my signs and my INFJ/INFP personality type, I am made more aware of the reasons/motivations behind my thoughts and actions, and then I am able to either accept/perfect them or work on improving/changing them. Reading this helped me to know how to be completely open and honest with a guy…if a guy and I start talking or whatever, I’m going to talk about the fact that I need independence, I need to take things slow and build a friendship with them without the added relationship pressures. This is who I am. I freak the hell out and push guys away way too fast and often and this is why. So I guess this is one of the aspects of my personality that I am accepting, but also improving.

So, here’s to self-awareness, self-improvement and self-acceptance!

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