I’m just going to be real, today has been rough. It’s not that one thing in particular has happened to make it rough, though. My emotions are just all over the place.
Hormones. They’re the worst sometimes.
I looked at my period tracker on my phone and I should be starting in 3 days. The fact that I’m incredibly emotional and my face is starting to break out slightly makes me think I will definitely be starting very soon. This makes me feel two different ways…
- Relieved because that means I’m not pregnant.
- Sad because that means I’m not pregnant.
It’s weird admitting those feelings. It’s hard to understand them, to be honest. I guess, as women, it’s a natural instinct to want a baby? And when you feel like you might have a baby growing inside of you, it makes the idea of being a mom seem real. I have spent a good bit of time imagining what it would be like to have a baby. Terrifying, sure. But also, beautiful.
I got my hair cut tonight at my friend’s house. Two of my friends who were there very recently found out they are pregnant. The way that I felt when I looked at them and their little pregnant bellies caught me off guard. I felt sad. I felt almost as if I had lost a baby.
I texted a friend about it and she said, “I’m sorry girl! When it does finally happen it will be the right timing and so much happier.” Part of me feels like that is true. I would love to be in a situation where I am actually with the baby’s father and we can announce it together to our families and friends and it be a celebration, everyone would be happy, no one would be feeling sorry for me or be disappointed in me. But why do I feel this sadness? Perhaps I prepared my mind so well in case I turned out to be pregnant, that it just felt real.When I talked to Jane about it, she said, “The glimmer of potential life is exciting, especially if it’s an accident and you would never have planned it that way. And you had prepared a little part of your heart for the potential, which means you have to grieve the loss of that little bit of potential.“–That’s exactly it.
It is so helpful to have someone tell you your feelings are valid when you feel you don’t deserve to feel them.