Single and (not) Pregnant?

**If you haven’t read the previous posts–you may want to start here: Hookup CultureSingle and Pregnant?Single and Pregnant? Pt. 2Single and Pregnant? Pt. 3**

I’m just going to be real, today has been rough. It’s not that one thing in particular has happened to make it rough, though. My emotions are just all over the place.

Hormones. They’re the worst sometimes. 

I looked at my period tracker on my phone and I should be starting in 3 days. The fact that I’m incredibly emotional and my face is starting to break out slightly makes me think I will definitely be starting very soon. This makes me feel two different ways…

  1. Relieved because that means I’m not pregnant.
  2. Sad because that means I’m not pregnant.

It’s weird admitting those feelings. It’s hard to understand them, to be honest. I guess, as women, it’s a natural instinct to want a baby? And when you feel like you might have a baby growing inside of you, it makes the idea of being a mom seem real. I have spent a good bit of time imagining what it would be like to have a baby. Terrifying, sure. But also, beautiful.

I got my hair cut tonight at my friend’s house. Two of my friends who were there very recently found out they are pregnant. The way that I felt when I looked at them and their little pregnant bellies caught me off guard. I felt sad. I felt almost as if I had lost a baby.

I texted a friend about it and she said, “I’m sorry girl! When it does finally happen it will be the right timing and so much happier.” Part of me feels like that is true. I would love to be in a situation where I am actually with the baby’s father and we can announce it together to our families and friends and it be a celebration, everyone would be happy, no one would be feeling sorry for me or be disappointed in me. But why do I feel this sadness? Perhaps I prepared my mind so well in case I turned out to be pregnant, that it just felt real.When I talked to Jane about it, she said, “The glimmer of potential life is exciting, especially if it’s an accident and you would never have planned it that way. And you had prepared a little part of your heart for the potential, which means you have to grieve the loss of that little bit of potential.“–That’s exactly it.

It is so helpful to have someone tell you your feelings are valid when you feel you don’t deserve to feel them.

Shitty hormones. 

 

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4 thoughts on “Single and (not) Pregnant?

  1. Ah, validation. I could write essay upon essay about that one little word. Your feelings are valid because they are your own. Period. By definition, something is deemed to be valid when it is based in fact or logic. Feelings, then, would seem to counter that as they can oftentimes not fall into the logic category. However, I don’t think it’s that black and white. I believe that feelings validate the human experience…regardless of the feelings, regardless of the experience. You were sad because you are human. In truth, the circumstances surrounding the sadness are not the focus…these are the things I call “fluff” or “noise.” In the moment, if you can, you let those things fall away and greet the feeling (whatever the feeling). Acknowledge it, dance with it, yell at it, sleep with it, meditate with it, whatever you want or need to do with it, then thank it for coming and watch it leave. It is what makes you human and it is valid, no matter its form or the vehicle it rode in on.

    Phrases like right timing and you’ll be happier, though well-meaning, can have the opposite affect they are meant to have. They stealthily rob you of the feelings you are currently having and inflict a sense of guilt (or shame or fear, etc.) for having them in the first place (eg. logic center of the brain says: of course that’s right, so I should not be feeling sad right now).

    You not only deserve to be sad, but you are valid in your sadness, my dear niece. Let the noise and fluff fall away, honor your human experience, and dance with it for however long you need.

    Sending you love and healing energy today. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. ❤ "Acknowledge it, dance with it, yell at it, sleep with it, meditate with it, whatever you want or need to do with it, then thank it for coming and watch it leave." I love that! Thank you for the love and healing energy today! 🙂 I've definitely allowed myself to embrace and find understanding in these feelings today and it has helped a lot. Love you dearly! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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