I have two big groups of friends here at home. One group I call my hippie loves and the other is my dysfunctional friend family.
I’ve written a bit about people who are in this friend-fam…our main hang out place (besides a couple local bars/restaurants) is at Jane and her husband Todd‘s house. The reason I have named this group of friends this is, well, because we’re all a little bit dysfunctional. One or two of the guys are possibly sociopaths hah…a little bit serious, though…at least one is a narcissist, a couple with social anxiety, several of us have very sick parents, one basically grew up without parents because he would wake up in the mornings sometimes with cash sitting on the table with a note saying they’d “be back…sometime”…another one has parents who were addicted to coke and were abusive, two of us have mom’s who have tried to kill themselves and ended up in the hospital, three of us were raised in the IFB Church and have dealt with a bit of religious abuse, and we all still have families who are very active in those churches (including my evangelist father), there are Christians, atheists, agnostics and the I-Just-don’t-give-a-shits. We have an army ranger-who has dealt with some severe PTSD, one recovering alcoholic, one computer hacker, a couple hippies, one who did some amateur porn, two single mom’s…we’re all a little bit weird, we’re all a little bit nerdy in our own way, we’re all a little bit broken, but mostly, even if we don’t always say it–or have to be drunk to say it–we love each other.
Friday night, Andrew hit me up to hang out with him, Todd, Josh, Tommy and Erica (I wasn’t the only girl this time!). So we all went out to eat, but on the way, we stopped by a comic shop because the guys wanted to find a game. Everyone got out of the car except for Andrew and me. We chatted and decided we were going to “get fucked up.” So when we got to the restaurant, we went straight up to the bar and got some drinks. After dinner, we went and took a couple shots. Then we left and got some more alcohol and I’m just not sure how much I drank, but I know it was to the point that my memory is a bit in and out. At dinner, I received a text from Andrew, saying, “I’m secretly in love with you.” …first of all, I’m thinking one of the other guys took his phone and texted me that, or he was joking. So my smart ass replied, “I knew it! It’s ok, lots of people are.” No reply, sooo…?…An hour later, after several drinks, lots of flirting, and during a game we were playing with everyone, I finally get another text from him and the convo takes a bit of a sexual turn…Then of course, after Tommy and Erica leave, Todd and Josh somehow end up getting mine and Andrew‘s phones and there that is. There.are.literally.zero.secrets.
Didn’t end up hooking up on Friday, though, because we both passed out. Of course, we fell asleep in the living room, and woke up to our friend’s little girl coming out into the hall and smiling huge and waving excitedly. Then we both hurried up and left…just another one of our “walks of shame” hah.
Honestly, I’m really glad we didn’t hookup. The last thing I need right now is another awkward situation within my other group of friends. However, Andrew and I do have a bit of a different relationship than I do with David…so…it would probably turn out differently…but probably is not good enough right now.
…Sometimes, I just think too much. The times I don’t, though?…I spend a month thinking I’m pregnant.
Them Virgos though…ya know?
Anyways, Saturday night, I tried to get Andrew to come out to the bar with me with my hippie loves. I found out David would be out there. (If you don’t know who David is, you may want to start here: Hookup Culture and Fate with a Twist). It was our friend’s band that played at the bar where we hooked up. oh, memories… So I was really torn about going out there or not because of the last time I went alone and it was a bit of an uncomfortable situation…Andrew decided not to join me and a couple other friends I invited also turned me down, so I ended up not going out.
I just couldn’t do it. I do want to see David, though. I do want to talk to him. I do want answers and for things to not be uncomfortable. But also I’m scared. I’m scared of hearing that he wants nothing to do with me. Ever. Because…rejection sucks.
Obviously, I’ve been a bit down about the whole situation. Making the mistake of hooking up with him, when I clearly had actual feelings for him…horrible bladder infection, which was on track to damaging my one good kidney…pregnancy scare and then a horribly painful and emotional period-it’s been some pretty good times, ya know?. Although he has no idea any of these things were going on (because I saw no reason to get him worried or anything about any of this…plus, what if he didn’t care? It’d probably better not to know, right? Someone stop my brain from all this over-thinking!), but I still found myself wanting to slap him upside his head and yell, “YOU DID THIS TO ME!” But…we both kind of “did this to me.”
However, I am going to a Reggae show on Saturday and more than likely he will be out there. Hoping it will be a good opportunity to make things not awkward. Why does sex have to complicate things so much sometimes?
Well, here’s to the dysfunctional, the hippies and those we do (and don’t) hookup with!
Later, loves! ❤