I’m sorry I’ve let you down.

I swear. If one more person tells me I need to change my life, I am going to lose my ever loving mind (what does that mean exactly-ever loving mind?!). Like, I get it. You guys love me and only say the things you do out of care and concern. I appreciate those motivations. 

But seriously, I can’t hear another person say it.

I recognize the shitty decisions I have made and how much worse things could have turned out for me in some situations. I already feel like shit about certain things. I don’t need everyone else telling me how shitty I am. 

Why is it that girls are treated differently for drinking and having sex? Why are girls taught to be perfect and pure, but guys can stick it in anything they want to and it’s fine.

I’ve been needing to get away from people for a weeks now. I’m finally away. I’m out of town all week long with a friend–who will be taking an intensive during the day, so I will have lots of hours-alone. Just want I need. I need to be alone. I need to think. I need to be able to focus on school. I need to not hear another person add to my shitty feelings. 

I pretty much feel like I can’t tell anyone anything right now. I feel like anything I do and say is “sinful” in everyone’s eyes. It’s hard to feel like you can’t live your life as a normal 28 year old.

I finally felt like I could talk to my mom about things…she was laid back and understanding and what not…then all of a sudden she decided to tell me all about my life. I’m “getting drunk all of the time,” “destroying my one kidney,” “not living my life right spiritually,” “jumping in bed with anyone and everyone and I’m not even in love with them.” 

She has only slept with one person in her whole life and she married him and was “in love” with him, so she did things the right way…but me sleeping with David and Andrew makes me a horrible person because I’m not “in love” with them.   I told her I finally felt like I could talk to her about things, but that I no longer feel that way. I didn’t say it in a hateful, mean, or sarcastic way, just in an honest way. I needed to tell her that because she needed to know that I don’t intend to talk to her about everything in my life anymore, and it’s because of this conversation. Had she said these things in a calm way things would have been different. But because of the fact that she has been feeling this way for a long time, it came out full of guilt and anger. She felt bad about it and said she didn’t want me to feel like I couldn’t talk to her, but I don’t feel like I can anymore and that makes me sad. I love her deeply and I don’t want to hurt her, so I don’t feel like I should talk to her about these things anymore. She said at one point that she lets me talk to her about how bad sugar is for her and all this but she doesn’t have to listen to me because I drink alcohol–I get that. But I pointed out to her that I say those things in an encouraging way–I don’t fuss at her. She got defensive and said she wasn’t fussing at me, but she finally realized that she was, which made things a lot better. But the damage was already done. 

People that I care about, and have loved and respected for so long are pushing me out of their lives and they don’t even realize it. 

I don’t get drunk all of the time. Yes, I have gotten drunk a few times. I have made stupid decisions. I have learned from them as well. 

Please stop making me feel like shit. I’m not doing crazy drugs. I’ve literally only slept with David and Andrew in the past several months. I had an opportunity to hook up with a dude I met at a party and I didn’t. I also didn’t get smashed at that party. I had ONE drink this Friday night and ONE drink on Saturday night. 

Also, please stop trying to force me to do what you think is right spiritually. I stopped singing at church a little while back and the music leader made me feel shitty about it and hasn’t talked to me since.

One of my best friends recently made me feel like shit, too, because she said, “we were all supposed to be in ministry together. I wanted to do that. I still want to. But all of you left me alone here. I can’t do this alone.” Then she proceeded to talk to me about what we’re going to do to change and that we are going to change. I’m sorry that I’m not that person anyone. I’m sorry that I’m still trying to figure out how I feel about things. I’m sorry I don’t live by the standards that we once believed were right. I’m sorry to hurt you or make you feel alone, but I’ve never made her feel bad about who she is. I support her and love that she is still in church and singing and tries to be involved because it’s what she believes she should do. Her heart is in that and that’s great, but as much as I want her to not feel sad or alone in this, I can’t be that person that I once was for someone else. 

I talked to my brother’s girlfriend about all of this and I finally felt like I was talking to someone who understood me. She said, “you don’t go out and drink all of the time. you’re not doing lots of drugs even when they’re offered to you. you’ve known Andrew for a long time now and you guys flirt and what not and it’s just been a long time coming. you’re 28 years old, I think you can make that kind of decision, and none of these things make you a bad person.” I thanked her for being understanding and helping me to remember that I’m not a shitty person. I’m just not who everyone has always expected me to be. 

I’m sorry to let you guys down. 

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3 thoughts on “I’m sorry I’ve let you down.

  1. I know you feel you need to, but there is no reason to apologize for walking your path your way. One of the most difficult (and freeing) things I’ve ever done is learn to stop saying I’m sorry when I don’t meet some “standard.” It is my view that others should be the ones who are sorry when they expect (or even demand) conformity, then heap mountains of shame or guilt on the heads of those not meeting it. Women are, for whatever reason, conditioned to apologize for virtually everything…maybe that’s a religious thing, maybe it’s a southern thing, or maybe it’s just our family in particular, who knows. It is empowering when you change the narrative.

    As to your post in general, your journey is yours and your alone so walk it however you want to walk it. If that includes beer and sex then have at it. If you want to pack your bags and live in an RV for a year, go get it girl. If you want to fly to South America and go on a Ayahuasca journey, have fun (though, please take me with you if you decide to do that one). And, god forbid, if you want to run off and elope after knowing someone for only 4 weeks, well, call me and I’ll be your witness. 😉

    Seriously, though, this is the part in life where boundaries play a big role. People love to tell you where your fucking up or, you know, “sinning” as they see it. But the truth of it is (as I am learning more each day), they will treat you/talk to you/engage with you only to the level that you allow them to. Take your power back, tell others when it is okay and not okay to express themselves in that way, and the consequences otherwise. If others do not know your boundaries then they cannot be expected to stay within them, but if they know them and still do not honor them then YOU decide the further role they play in your life.

    I’m sorry you’re going through this. I understand because I lived it in (almost) the same way you are, only I was a little younger. It is very difficult to live at home while being an adult with differing beliefs and feeling there is no one in your corner. I am. You will always, always have your open-minded, free-spirited, hippie feminist Aunt should you need me. 🙂

    xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your support. I need it so much right now. I’m so incredibly thankful that I do have you and a few others who actually understand and support me.
      What you said about setting boundaries and taking my power back is definitely what I needed to hear. I feel so weighed down right now, so it’s been difficult for me to remember that. It’s so frustrating when people are coming at me from all different directions in the same way.
      I guess the reason I feel the need to apologize is because it upsets me to be the person causing someone sadness. But I know with all of my heart that I cannot change for other people. I have to figure life out on my own.
      I like to drink and have sex. I know that I have to know my limits and not be completely reckless when it comes to those areas, so it’s frustrating that people are coming at me like this because I am already figuring all of that out. The fact that people are not trusting me and are telling me I’m “going wild” or what-the-hell-ever they are saying is driving me nuts.
      I’m just so beyond thankful that I had this trip planned. I have to be away from everyone right now. Maybe this time will help me to write out my boundaries and limits, and help gather my thoughts and find some peace. I don’t want to lose my shit at anyone haha so it is definitely for the best of everyone that I am away.
      Financially, it’s best for me to stay at home, but I’m really wondering if I should move out. I don’t know who I would move in with though, or if I would have the money to do it. Amy Jo suggested I could move in the shed out back haha which I’ve actually been considering. Only problem would be there is no bathroom out there and I would hate having to go in and out of the house to use the bathroom all of the time, but I’m still kind of considering it as long as Micah would be cool with it. I love love love my parents, but I just need space.
      Anyways! haha. Thank you for your words, they were very encouraging! And I’ll definitely take you with me on that journey if I decide to go and call you up to be my witness! lol. Sounds like a good plan! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Many times I have felt that I need space from every one I knew just to breathe fresh air and be able to assess myself. Then I realize…

    The answer to our problems is as close as our knees to the ground.

    When we feel that we are left all alone by every one that we love, and when we feel that problems seems to be insurmountable, the first thing that we need to do is to kneel down and pray.

    Let us humble ourselves and accept our mistakes so that we can be relieved. Then it will be the time that we can let go, ask for guidance and change for the better.

    “A man’s heart deviseth his way: but the Lord directeth his steps.”
    (Proverbs 16:9)

    I believe that you didn’t let other people down. Cheer up! 🙂

    Like

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