I mentioned in my post Research and Program Evaluation that I have to pick a topic to research throughout the semester. I had to propose 3 different topics to my professor and I’m still waiting for him to choose which one he wants me to do. I am hoping that he chooses my first one, which is “the neurobiological affects of food addiction.” However, yesterday, I read an article that I have been interested in researching for a long time, but did not think about when choosing a topic.
The article was on the affect of emotional abuse on childhood development.
I’ve always wondered about this because of how my brother treated me during some crucial years of my development. A lot of the things I read resonated with me. One thing the article mentioned was not ever believing it when the person who did the emotional abusing changed and tried to prove that they loved you and would no longer treat you that way. It took me a really long time to accept my brother’s love. When we would hang up the phone or leave each other, he would say, “love you!” But all I could ever say back was, “ok, I’ll see you later,” or something similar. It’s hard to trust that this person who once hated you-told you that you were stupid every single day-made you feel like you would never be good enough for anyone or anything-actually loves you.
Thankfully, after years of having to gain my trust, I was able to accept this as truth. He’s a very encouraging and caring person. He’s not the person that he was as a child. His anger and hatred was not directed at me, but it was taken out on me.
Even though I forgive him, and I understand where this came from, it doesn’t mean the damage was not done. I still have to deal with these feelings. I still have to tell myself that I am worthy. I am smart. I am good enough.
I’m not sure if my social anxiety disorder stems from this, or if it contributed to it, but it definitely impacted my self-esteem and how I believed the world viewed me. Thank God I no longer have this disorder, but what an inward fight it has been to overcome.
If you have ever felt the impact of emotional abuse-please know that those words do not define you. That person’s view of you does not make you who you are or who you get to become. You are beautifully and wonderfully made. You are talented. You are beautiful. You are smart. You are worthy. You dictate your future-they do not.
You. Are. Loved.