That Blank Stare.

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Sometimes, I wonder how many people around us are actually sociopaths? Have you ever met someone and thought, “hmm…I wonder if that person is actually a sociopath?” I sure have. Several times, actually. I mentioned before in my post about my “Dysfunctional Friend Family,” that I’m pretty sure a couple of the guys in our group could possibly be sociopaths. Narcissists, for sure. Well…one of them is Andrew. 

Last night was a really bad night for me. In fact, I got about 2 hours of sleep because of how upset I was. 

I went to Todd and Jane’s house for a cookout. Andrew was there and it’s the first time I’ve seen him, or even really talked to him since that party I went to with him. Actually, I think the only time I’ve talked to him since the party was on Friday when I was out of town with one of my best friends. We had a few drinks at the restaurant next door and she grabbed my phone and texted, “you’re a beautiful person” to Andrew (I had been texting that to lots of people in my phone)…I freaked out and like a socially awkward weirdo I tried to make it not weird, and said that my friend had texted that and we were drunk. Later, my friend texted him saying that she was the one texting and that she was texting all of the dudes in my phone. She has a name that could seem like a boy’s name, so after texting that, he replied with, “dick pics?” I told him she’s a girl and asked why he wanted dick pics and he replied with, “it was a test.”

Whatever that means. 

So anyways…the cookout was also the first time we’ve been with our mutual group of friends since we slept together. Any other times it’s either been with my friends or his. It.was.so.uncomfortable.  I don’t really know why, except that, he either thinks I want more from him than I do, so he’s trying to push me away, or he is afraid of that emotional connection we’ve always had and it’s freaks him out, or he is into me and thinks I’m not.

Either way…it doesn’t matter, because they’re all bad reasons to be pushing me away and he doesn’t need to be super weird like this. 

So last year, we had a very similar situation between us, except we hadn’t slept together or anything like that. We just had the emotional connection thing and the whole, “does he like me, does he think I like him,” etc. thing. It was much worse then because he really hurt me at my birthday party. It was bad, but I don’t want to get into that. It took months to get back to this kind of “friendship.” Last night, all of those horrible feelings that I felt last year came back to me and I felt so angry and anxious.

I swear he either has a split personality, there is something really dark inside of him or he’s a sociopath…or perhaps extremely insecure and he had a rough upbringing so emotional connection is really difficult, so he pushes people away?

 His face is different. His spirit isn’t gentle, but is hostile. His body language and talk is different. He doesn’t make much eye contact and he’s just very closed off. He had that blank. stare that I’ve seen before. I’ve only seen this side a few times. One time was at my birthday party last year. A few times in between and then I saw it again for the first time in a long time the other day at the party during a game. I saw a glimpse of that person I never wanted to see again. We were playing a game called Cards Against Humanity. It was his turn to pick the cards and it was, “what I think about during sex,” well, I just happened to have a card that said, “establishing dominance,” so, obviously, I had to play that one. He thought it was hilarious and picked it as the winner. Once he realized it was mine he laughed, but definitely gave me a look. After a few minutes I noticed him staring a hole through me. I looked at him then looked away, but he was still staring, so I looked again and he was still giving me that blank stare. It was this other side of him staring at me. It wasn’t the Andrew that has been present for months now, but I just dismissed it and went on with the night.

Last night I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. I left the house because I had a paper to finish writing-thank God I had a reason to leave.

Now, he didn’t do anything overtly rude last night. He talked to me some, he smiled at me a little bit, but like I mentioned above, his spirit and everything about him was different.

Was I just a game? Did he win what he saw as a prize? Did he realize that night just how drunk I was and he wasn’t as drunk as he tried to act and he took advantage of me?–This thought scared the shit out of me. I remember before anything happened, he said, “I’m drunk right now,” and it honestly felt intentional. But I didn’t really care at that time-because, well, I wanted to hookup with him. One of the very first things he said to me the next morning was that he was really drunk that night.

However, the weekend before we hooked up, I stayed at his house-in his bed-and I was definitely not sober, and he was completely sober, and he could have tried something then, but he didn’t. And he definitely had been drunk for most of the night that we hooked up. Not my level drunk, but definitely drunk. So I’m not talking to people about this thought, because I don’t believe it’s true. But just thinking and feeling like, “I’ve slept with a sociopath,” freaks me out. 

Even if he is none of these things are true and all of my feelings are completely inaccurate, it’s uncomfortable that I slept with someone who appears, now, to not give any shits about me. I could be wrong. I’m a Virgo and you know how we do-we think and think and think and analyze everything to death. I’m also an INFJ-so I feel all energies and feelings so very deeply.

I just want to wipe every thought and memory of him out of my mind. I want to forget. I don’t want answers to why he is acting the way he is, because-like I said-it doesn’t matter. There is no excuse good enough. I just want it to be done. I unfollowed him on facebook and deleted our text convo. I’ve already shut emotions off towards him. I actually did that before last night happened, but, unfortunately, have had to do it again because of how emotional last night was. I also found out for the first time last night that he is moving 3 hours away for a few months.

I don’t know. All I do know is that this is not at all what I want in my life. Right now-all I want is to disconnect from everyone and everything. Last week, being out of town and shut up in a hotel room for the majority of every day was amazing and just what I needed. I just want a little bit more of it.

Why am I drawn to people like this exactly? Is it my INFJ personality? Does this energy draw me in because it’s fascinating to me? This energy drains me, but also makes me feel alive. 

All of this is frustrating to me because I had already shut the emotions off and it was like he was taking power away from me and I was fighting a battle inside of me to not allow him to take this power. What if he recognizes that I shut my emotions off towards him, though, and he’s acting this way because he feels hurt??

I’m also afraid that he has told our friends…because if he truly has shut emotions off towards me and doesn’t give any shits about me, why would he not tell them? At one point he went off somewhere with another one of our friends and when they came back, that friend all of a sudden was hitting on me a little bit. I left very soon after.

I’m so uncomfortable and just want to close my eyes and wake up from all of this. I don’t want any of this to be real. Also, maybe it’s ironic that I’ve spent most of my night/morning awake watching Sherlock, who is a “high-functioning sociopath.” 

Sooo…maybe try not to sleep with a sociopath? Recognize your thoughts and listen to your gut feelings-they usually aren’t wrong. 

 

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