On Friday I talked all day with Jane about the whole situation with Andrew. Something that she told me at the end of the night was, “you might have to accept the fact that you were possibly a long-term conquest for Andrew.” Of course, I have thought about that many times.
Jane always told him he wasn’t allowed to fuck me. I remember one night-when we first became friends-we were all out at a bar and he reached across the table to hold my hand. Jane looked at him, shook her head and said repeatedly, “Don’t fuck my friend. Don’t fuck my friend. Do. Not. Fuck. My. Friend.” During our conversation on Friday she brought up the fact that she always yelled at him to not fuck me, “and this is why” she said.
She then said to me, “this was going to happen, though. It was a long-time coming. So just mark him off YOUR list and move on.”
At first my reaction is, “Yeah, you son of a bitch! I’m marking you off of MY list!” And then flashes of happy and sad memories flood through my mind:
-The way he helped me build confidence in myself
-The way he held my hand until I fell asleep
-The way he would smile at me after I said something ridiculous that he thought was cute
-The way he held my hand or hugged me tight
-The way he would get embarrassed and blush in front of me
-The way he would die laughing after I said something sarcastic and call me “Dismissive Rae”
-The way he tried to pressure me into doing something sexual with him the night of my birthday party while I was drunk and he was sober
-The way he helped me get through a conversation with my dad while completely wasted out of my mind
-The way he would fight for my attention
-The way he would always send out texts for me while I was drunk
-The way he would constantly ask about my friends and tell me how beautiful they are
-The way he told me my ass was ‘too big’ and just ‘not for him’
-The way he told me my ‘ass looked really good in those jeans tonight’
-The way he would sing ridiculous pop songs higher than I can sing
-The way he had a very detailed plan of how he would/may possibly commit suicide one day
-The way he legitimately seemed to want to kill one of our other friends
-The way he would take up for me
-The way he made me feel unattractive
-The way he made me feel incredibly sexy
-The way he shared his insecurities with me
-The way I could see him get jealous and take me away from other guys
-The way he would smile at me, grab my hand and lead me somewhere without me having any idea where we were going
-The way we walked around a town we had never been to-completely wasted by 12 in the afternoon
-The way we stopped talking to each other after he was a douche bag to me at my birthday party
-The way he would make a huge effort to be disrespectful to people he didn’t like
-The way he would make a huge effort to not seem ‘too human’
-The way we always planned on getting fucked up together and passing out at our friend’s house without telling anyone else
-The way he texted me saying ‘I’m secretly in love with you’ and then blushed
-The way we always looked out for each other when we were drunk
-The way he would pull away from me when we seemed to get just a little too close on an emotional level
-The way he couldn’t stand and was sometimes mean to children
-The way we could stay out until 5 am either partying or just chillin on the beach
-The way he initiated sex with me while I was incredibly wasted and he was not and then proceeded to treat me shitty
-The way he talked a load of shit/lied to our mutual guy friends about me
-The way he left me to deal with shame and guilt and embarrassment
-The way he was planning to move without even telling me
-The way he tried to hang out with me a couple days before he moved as if everything was fine but I ignored him
All that and soooo much more. There have been way more good times than bad, but the bad times have been extremely significant and far outweigh the good.
It’s been so up and down and all over the place over the past year or so with him.
I’m at a place right now where thinking about the good times is more painful than thinking about the bad times. It’d be so easy to just hate him and move on and not look back if I only had the bad memories. But those good memories-the ones where he made me feel like the most important person in the world-the most beautiful person in the world-the cutest and funniest person in the world-the way he made me feel these things and so much more…I don’t want to remember them anymore. It’s SO incredibly hard to think that perhaps all of these ups and downs and all arounds were all part of this long-term conquest for him. Was he deceiving and manipulating me the entire time? It’s hard to imagine all of these things being fake. It’s hard to imagine his beaming smile and the way his eyes lit up and he would blush was not real. It feels unfathomable that someone could literally not give a shit about people.
So…as easy as “just mark him off YOUR list and move on” sounds-it’s not.
But I’m trying and each day that passes gets easier. Yeah, I made a huge mistake with him that I truly wish-with all of my heart-I could take back. However, even though he has brought a lot of hurt and bad habits to my life, he brought out my confidence and showed me a different side of life. He brought fun and excitement into my life. He made me feel special and beautiful. Even if these things, or at least some of them were not real, they had an overall positive impact on my life that has helped me to grow as a person.
Even when it feels impossible–find the good. No matter how much pain someone may bring you-love them and do good to them. But also-release anyone who is toxic to you. Even in that release, though-as hard as it may feel-find the good. These are my goals.