This past month has been a bit up and down-with an emphasis on the down. I’ve always had to battle and overcome depression and anxiety, but there are times that all of that could potentially come back, so I have to fight extra hard. This past month has kind of sucked, but if you’ve been reading my blog–you already know that.
As a Virgo-and as an INFJ-opening up and exposing who I am-my feelings-my emotions-my problems-is unbelievably difficult. It’s easy on here because you don’t know me. (My aunt is the only follower I have that actually knows me outside of the internet world). So it’s fine for me to tell you all about my shit. You don’t have to read it if you choose not to-and that’s okay.
I have many friends, and I love all of them deeply. However, there are only a handful that I feel comfortable enough really opening up to. But even when I’m with them in person, it is difficult to talk openly about my shit. I can text all day about it, though. I guess that can be overwhelming though and come off as very self-absorbed. I guess I’ve been so stuck on my problems that I haven’t showed that I care for my friends enough.
(Or perhaps only one friend because she’s the only one who has said anything, and I texted a couple other friends to ask them if they felt the same/apologize if I had treated them that way, but no one said they have been feeling that way-so hopefully I haven’t been doing this to everyone without realizing it).
That kills me on the inside.
I would never ever ever wish for someone to feel like they don’t matter to me-especially someone who actually matters to me very much.
I feel like a complete asshole.
After being told that I’ve been acting this way…she threw in the “I’ve been worried about the decisions you’ve been making…” thing. At first this made me automatically shut all emotions off and want to just not respond. However, when someone actually means something to you-you don’t do that. I put myself in her shoes and made myself understand where she is coming from and what her motivations are-I get it.
…maybe I’m headed straight for disaster…
I’m not, though. You know why? Because I’m rolling with the damn punches. I know who I am. I know where my heart is. I have been making the necessary changes in my life-not everyone gets to see that, so I understand that they don’t know. I don’t announce to everyone in my contacts that “I didn’t sleep with this guy I could have slept with,” or “I only had two drinks total this weekend.” I don’t announce these things because if I make these choices-I make them for myself and not for them. If I choose to drink more than two drinks, or hookup with someone-that’s also a choice I make for myself. I’m not saying that in a hateful way, but it’s true. I have learned some important lessons-I’ve also enjoyed myself-I’ve experienced life in different ways and have grown through these experiences.
For everything there is a season.
I have to seriously fight the urge to just shut off from everyone right now. I deactivated Facebook. I deleted several pictures off of Instagram and signed out. I deleted the Snapchat and Pinterest apps off of my phone. I deleted a lot of text message threads. Right now-I don’t want people to know about my life. I’ll add all of those things back…but for right now-I have to disconnect for a bit.
I never want to hurt anyone and I never want to come off as selfish or especially to cause someone to think I don’t care about them-that…that’s the thing that kills me. But all I can do is apologize and make an effort to show that I care.
I’m just keeping my head up and rolling with the punches. I’ll get to where I need to be when I need to be there, and I won’t waste time apologizing for how I get there.