Rolling With The Punches.

This past month has been a bit up and down-with an emphasis on the down. I’ve always had to battle and overcome depression and anxiety, but there are times that all of that could potentially come back, so I have to fight extra hard. This past month has kind of sucked, but if you’ve been reading my blogyou already know that. 

As a Virgo-and as an INFJ-opening up and exposing who I am-my feelings-my emotions-my problems-is unbelievably difficult. It’s easy on here because you don’t know me. (My aunt is the only follower I have that actually knows me outside of the internet world). So it’s fine for me to tell you all about my shit. You don’t have to read it if you choose not to-and that’s okay.

I have many friends, and I love all of them deeply. However, there are only a handful that I feel comfortable enough really opening up to. But even when I’m with them in person, it is difficult to talk openly about my shit. I can text all day about it, though. I guess that can be overwhelming though and come off as very self-absorbed. I guess I’ve been so stuck on my problems that I haven’t showed that I care for my friends enough.

(Or perhaps only one friend because she’s the only one who has said anything, and I texted a couple other friends to ask them if they felt the same/apologize if I had treated them that way, but no one said they have been feeling that way-so hopefully I haven’t been doing this to everyone without realizing it).

That kills me on the inside. 

I would never ever ever wish for someone to feel like they don’t matter to me-especially someone who actually matters to me very much.

I feel like a complete asshole. 

After being told that I’ve been acting this way…she threw in the “I’ve been worried about the decisions you’ve been making…” thing. At first this made me automatically shut all emotions off and want to just not respond. However, when someone actually means something to you-you don’t do that. I put myself in her shoes and made myself understand where she is coming from and what her motivations are-I get it.

…maybe I’m headed straight for disaster…

I’m not, though. You know why? Because I’m rolling with the damn punches. I know who I am. I know where my heart is. I have been making the necessary changes in my life-not everyone gets to see that, so I understand that they don’t know. I don’t announce to everyone in my contacts that “I didn’t sleep with this guy I could have slept with,” or “I only had two drinks total this weekend.” I don’t announce these things because if I make these choices-I make them for myself and not for them. If I choose to drink more than two drinks, or hookup with someone-that’s also a choice I make for myself. I’m not saying that in a hateful way, but it’s true. I have learned some important lessons-I’ve also enjoyed myself-I’ve experienced life in different ways and have grown through these experiences. 

For everything there is a season.

I have to seriously fight the urge to just shut off from everyone right now. I deactivated Facebook. I deleted several pictures off of Instagram and signed out. I deleted the Snapchat and Pinterest apps off of my phone. I deleted a lot of text message threads. Right now-I don’t want people to know about my life. I’ll add all of those things back…but for right now-I have to disconnect for a bit.

I never want to hurt anyone and I never want to come off as selfish or especially to cause someone to think I don’t care about them-that…that’s the thing that kills me. But all I can do is apologize and make an effort to show that I care.

I’m just keeping my head up and rolling with the punches. I’ll get to where I need to be when I need to be there, and I won’t waste time apologizing for how I get there.image

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “Rolling With The Punches.

    1. It’s really nice to feel understood. Thank you for sharing! Sometimes, I think taking a step away from all that is good. I just have to put a stop to people putting me down and telling me how much I am sucking at life right now haha-I get their intentions and they are coming from a place of love, but it feels like any time I make any progress here is another person to throw a punch at me, whether they realize that is what they are doing or not. So…getting off of social media for a little bit and not sharing my whole life with everyone might be necessary for now. I’m trying to get back up and stay positive. This month has been so difficult and I’m doing my best to fight through it and I’ve definitely been making progress…but ya know, there has to be something to try to stop you from the healing process haha. I hope that you are doing ok and know that I understand how you feel with all that!

      Like

  1. I’m pretty sure there are quite a few of us in this family who simply came right out of the womb fighting anxiety and/or depression. Friendships are a very delicate balance of two human beings attempting to fulfill the needs of the other, hopefully, in positive ways. Remove the sexual part from the equation, change the type of love, and the nuts and bolts of it is really all the same human stuff. Humans are humans, after all. Each friendship is going to be different. It’s like when I wrote in my blog post about “holding space.” Not everyone is going to know how to hold space for you…but nor should you really WANT them to. You have to learn to recognize which of them can and cannot and, even more precisely, how MUCH they can hold at any given time. Remembering, also, when it is your turn to hold space.

    Please take your friend’s comment “I’ve been worried about the decisions you’ve been making” with a grain of salt. When people make those kinds of remarks, you have to look at the context they were said in. As I understand it, this was said in a conversation following her declaration of you being inattentive to HER needs and your being self-absorbed. This was said (my opinion) out of her hurt more than her concern. Not that she isn’t concerned, of course, but comments like that are designed to cause guilt and shame, not to effect true change.

    As for social media, I say shut it down as often as you need to, block whom you need, or post only what you need and don’t feel one second of sorrow over it. You need not explain yourself to anyone either. Social media is overwhelming, especially for an empath. I go and come regularly. You take the breaks your body, mind, and spirit need in order to fill up and be whole again. That is self-awareness, not anti-social. Love you.

    xoxo
    Crystal

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It seemed to me that the “I’ve been worried about the decisions you’ve been making” was said in hopes of pushing me away. She said “I hope that doesn’t ruin our friendship because I love you.” But I’ve talked to her to the point of tears about how frustrated I’ve gotten with comments like that, so when she said that, I knew there was some kind of motive behind it. She pushes people out of her life, so I was pretty sure that was the motive-whether she knew it or not. So after I got over the initial anger/hurt that I felt I remembered how much she means to me and that some people are just worth fighting for. I told her she wasn’t going to get rid of me that easily haha. One day, though…when she’s out of this slump she’s in…we’re going to have a conversation about that remark.

    I loved your post about “holding space.” I think that’s beautiful and we need more of that. I want to be much better at that myself.

    Social media is some shit sometimes haha. I’m still off of facebook and I’m not quite sure when I will get back on, but I always enjoy my breaks from it! Apparently you can stay signed in to the messenger app, so I’ve stayed logged in on the messenger. It’s just nice to take a minute away from all that stuff. It’s very overwhelming at times-you are right.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s