Curiosity Killed the Cat.

My mom and I were talking about Narcissism and Anti-Social Personality Disorder (Sociopathy/Psychopathy) and while reading the DSM 5 criteria for the disorders and various articles on the subject, my mom and I were discussing the people in our lives who could possibly fit these descriptions.

It’s interesting to me just how magnetic these people tend to be. The brilliance behind their madness is astounding.

I know I’ve talked about it in an earlier post, but I’m pretty convinced Andrew either does a great job trying to portray himself as one in order “to not appear too human” (<–actual words he said to me one time when showing that he actually might slightly care about other human beings), or he’s a straight up psychopath. To be honest…it’s a little too real how much he fits the description.

There were a few things that stuck out to be most from several different articles on psychopathfree.com:


“After once showering you with nonstop attention and admiration, they suddenly seem completely bored by you. They treat you with silence and become very annoyed that you’re interested in continuing the passionate relationship that they created. You begin to feel like a chore to them.”


“Psychopaths have an intense emotional & sexual bond over their victims. This is due to their sexual magnetism, and the way they train your mind to become reliant upon their approval.

By first adoring you in every way, you let down your guard and began to place your self worth in this person. Your happiness started to rely on this person’s opinion on you. Happiness is a chemical reaction going off in your brain – dopamine and receptors firing off to make you feel good.

Like a drug, the psychopath offers you this feeling in full force to begin with. But once you become reliant on it, they begin to pull back. Slowly, you need more and more to feel that same high. You do everything you can to hang onto it, while they are doing everything in their power to keep you just barely starved.”


“You begin to place your self-esteem into their words, because they are so reliably positive. You can actually feel yourself glowing. Your body goes through changes as your confidence rises with their every word. You spend more and more time improving your appearance to keep them impressed.”


“Don’t be fooled by this idea that charm must be confident or arrogant. A psychopath’s charm is specifically suited to their target. Sure, some people respond well to flattery and gifts. But others might have a softer spot for the sympathetic, shy routine. Psychopaths are experts at making their chosen target feel “special”. Whichever persona they choose, on thing is certain: it’s not authentic. Psychopaths are shape-shifting chameleons who constantly rearrange their personalities depending on your individual needs.”


“Psychopaths lie constantly, even when the truth would be a better story—even when there’s absolutely no reason to lie. They are so used to shifting personas and stories that lying becomes the default mode for them. If you ever question these lies (even if you have proof), they will promptly turn it back around on you for being paranoid and over-analyzing everything.”


“When a psychopath enters your life, you’ll notice an intense and ever-increasing sense of dread and self-doubt. Your brain will struggle to reconcile the “perfect” person from the beginning, with the inappropriate behavior you’re starting to see more regularly. That’s because that perfect person never actually existed. It was a persona, created just for you. This is the hardest thing for our minds and hearts to understand.”


 

I couldn’t possibly describe Andrew any better. My friends and I have always discussed the possibility of him being a sociopath. It’s even been said to his face. I’ve asked him random questions here and there–testing him, but if he’s actually a socio/psychopath–he’s too smart for that. 

I remember after finding out about the lies he told about me, saying, “well, the truth is actually more embarrassing, so at least now I can just deny that this is true and not worry about them knowing the actual-embarrassing-truth.” And Jane said, “there was no reason for him to lie. There was no reason for him to bring all of this up-he wasn’t even provoked.” It’s true…I did nothing to hurt him or make him mad…the guys had no idea, so it’s not like they brought it up.

I wrote out messages that I wanted to send him so many times, from simple things like, “thanks for talking shit about me to our friends,” to long, in-depth messages, packed full of all of my feelings. None of which I sent, btw. because…after talking with Jane for hours after finding out what all he said–it hit me…he knew the guys would tell me. This was intentional. He either 1. wanted a crazy, emotional response so that he could make me look like a crazy person or 2. wanted to completely push me away.

I also believe he invited me to the party that I went to the next weekend so that I saw him with that girl. 

He’s smart. He’s intentional. But I see inside that dark and twisted brain of his.

That’s what freaks me out, actually. I can see it so clearly, but often choose to ignore it.

I told my mom tonight that there were times that I knew he was lying or being deceitful, but I would play along with it because it also fit in with my agenda. I haven’t said that to anyone. She was surprised by that and said that maybe I’m a bit dark and twisted, too. I won’t disagree with that–I am kind of a weirdo. I’m so very fascinated by people like him. I’m amazed at how people’s minds work. Even though I know it’s dangerous, I want to see more-I need to know what’s going to happen next. 

Thankfully-he’s out of my life now…I certainly don’t need to get myself into some more shit situations with him.

Whenever we played Cards Against Humanity, he always ended up dying laughing and picking my cards…he was the only person I could always know 100% which cards would win with. Because whether he wants me to or not-I see inside that dark mind.

Sometimes he would say things that would typically get a “I’m shocked” reaction from people, but I made sure to keep my poker face. I let him do his thing. I let him put his crazy out there in the open and I’m not 100% sure why…I guess, curiosity. I also don’t like to react because I think that would expose the things that bother me or make me angry or gross me out or…whatever. It felt like if I showed a true reaction, I would be exposing weaknesses and giving him power. 

I think that I learned this from growing up with my brother. I learned to not let him know what upset me-then he wasn’t able to use that to hurt me. Then I learned it some more with Todd…he was a real asshole to me for a few years and it was just bad…but I learned to not react because that only encouraged the behavior to continue…the group always laughs and is shocked sometimes at how much I don’t react. Todd literally set my hair on fire once and I just sighed and said, “ugh…Todd…” Jane said, “wow…this has happened too many times for that to be your reaction…” Haha…I’m not saying this is healthy, I’m just saying this is how I learned to deal with abusive people-to keep some power from them. The abusiveness will end much quicker if you don’t give them the reaction they’re looking for. I would suggest-more than to just take abuse and to learn to not react-that you just step away from a relationship where this happens because you’re worth more than that and you deserve to be treated better. Sometimes people are just so captivating to me that it’s hard to let go of them. I’m a “glutton for punishment” perhaps. Generally, I am able to recognize the abuse/that I’m worth more and I get away from all that. I’m not about just taking abuse…sometimes weird and twisted things fit into my agenda, though…so I stick around for a minute. However, just putting this out there–Todd eventually apologized-sincerely and has completely changed how he is around me. He knows I won’t take that shit at this point. No overreactions…I just leave and don’t come back. So…keep your power. Know your worth.

In my last post I talked about being an INFJ/INFP. One thing I find interesting about the INFJ personality type is how I have seen our sense of humor described…seeing that we are generally very sensitive, caring, good-cause-fighting people , everyone expects innocent humor–but on the contrary…INFJs tend to have a bit of a crude and morbid sense of humor-though we don’t always show it. We can find humor in things that many cannot. I think that’s why I could understand what Andrew would find funny–I could see the humor even in something that was probably really inappropriate or whatever.

These personality types are known to be empaths–very intuitive–highly-sensitive people.  We can’t help but to feel everything so deeply (that’s what she said haaaa…). We feel your energy as soon as we meet you. We very often recognize light and dark. And even though you may not know it (because we may not call you out on it unless we feel it needs to be done) we tend to see through the bullshit…even when we don’t want to and we try to ignore it ourselves.

Even though I could often see through the bullshit and the lies, I still trusted him because I wanted this person to be real. I was hesitant to believe him because in my gut…I knew he was bad news. But there was something that drew me to him. The danger? The fascination? The excitement? The fact that he’s very attractive and I enjoy flirting with him/want to fuck him? My desire to fix people? My curiosity? Maybe a bit of all of these things.

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It makes sense with my studies being in psychology and the career I’m pursing for me to be fascinated and to get sucked into a dark mind too easily. It’s important to be aware of how dangerous some people or situations can become. Andrew showed his crazy to me on multiple occasions, but I still had this love and care for him that I didn’t quite understand. I saw good in him, even though it may not actually be there…I can’t say he’s for sure a psycho/sociopath…but I can definitely say that he does a good job acting like one if he isn’t. It’s just so fascinating…

…curiosity, ya know? That bitch killed the cat. 

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6 thoughts on “Curiosity Killed the Cat.

  1. Okay, let’s just clearly define “dark and twisted” right from the start shall we. What happened in Orlando this weekend is dark and twisted…you trying to figure out a man’s mind even when you know he’s playing games or may be a psycho/sociopath? Not dark and twisted. Okay, whew, glad that’s settled. An agenda, by definition, is a goal that guides someone’s behavior and is often kept secret. There is nothing in that definition that is inherently negative; people just tend to assume it is negative. The truth is we ALL have an agenda in life and in relationships. Maybe it is simply to love (or be loved) in a way we’ve never felt before. Maybe it is to understand our own psyche by being vulnerable. Maybe it is to feel a freedom we’ve never felt. Whatever it is, rest assured we all have agendas and they’re not all bad or nefarious.

    I will say this though, I am an INFP and an Empath like you, and the darker personality types are going to be attracted to you for all of your days so you will need to quickly learn to recognize them and know how to handle it. Dark men especially will be drawn to you and, likely, you to them. It will be a lifetime battle. Learn to ground now. It is a bit like this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hr7mu5RUNyk

    In the end, only you can decide what and who is healthy for you, whether they are friends or romantic relationships, but learning to identify them early on and set boundaries will be a vital part of the process.

    xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Looooved the video! 🙂

    Also, I learned a new word: nefarious! Haha.

    It makes perfect sense but is just so intense to think about an empath be drawn to someone who lacks emotions/feelings. Maybe we have this longing to feel something from that person…we’re convinced that one day we will?

    I keep having this picture in my mind of a beautiful shining jewel-hidden under a pile of shit haha…I want to see the shit cleaned up and one day get to point at that beautiful jewel and say, “see! I told you there was something beautiful in there.” But…ya know.

    The setting boundaries part is important and something I have to get ahold of. It’s so easy to get caught up in it all. It’s so frustrating because I let him go after the shit he pulled at my birthday party last year…then his sneaky ass slowly snuck his way back into my life. I’m not sure if he’ll end up moving back here or not after his contract job is up (in 3 months), but from what a friend said, it sounds like he intends to. I just have to figure out what to do. How to set the boundaries, what the boundaries should be, etc. Goodness…

    I’m so glad we talked today! Love you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah, Jekyll and Hyde was always my dream part to sing (Lucy), because of her attraction to his dark side and not understanding why. If you haven’t watched the whole thing you should Youtube it.

      I used to think it was just a healer thing…in the same way I always want to rescue animals, or pick the runt of the litter when I adopt a pet, or pick the person sitting off in a corner by themselves at a party to go talk to. I don’t do it on purpose, but I instinctively am drawn to them. In that same way, I would think in my head “who hurt you and how can I help?” when I met a particularly dark man. But that’s not necessarily a healthy way to approach a romantic relationship (or any relationship really). Healing isn’t a bad thing, but it can’t sustain a relationship either. Now, I just think the attraction is a yin/yang thing, though sprinkled with some healer stuff for sure.

      I once had a very intense relationship with a dominant and very dark man, whom I would classify as a psycho/socio path as well. I don’t know that I’ll ever be fully over him, even though I know for a fact he wasn’t good for me. We used to say that I was his light that kept him from falling over into the abyss, and he was my safe place to play around in the dark for awhile. But I didn’t stay there in the dark with him, and he never fully joined me in the light either…like a freaking vampire and a fairy trying to live together in harmony and not have one of them die. 🙂 But one almost always does in the end and it’s, usually, the fairy.

      I enjoyed our chat today, too. Can’t wait to see you soon.

      xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Haha vampire and fairy-I like that.

        I agree that it’s a yin/yang attraction with a little healer stuff. It’s so interesting how two extremely different (and yet somewhat similar in ways) personalities can be so drawn to one another. Two of my best friends talked to me on separate occasions telling me “if anyone can bring emotions out in an emotionless person, it’s you…” and “it’s weird because you guys aren’t ‘in a relationship’ but you have this emotional connection and I think that freaks him out.” Everyone thinks that’s the reason he was a dick to me at my birthday party.

        In December I hung out with him and two other guys and he asked me if I was seeing anyone and made sure to let me know he wasn’t dating this girl that it appeared he was with…so I told him about “David” and he asked me a million questions about him, blushing if anything I said about “David” was opposite of him. Then after I slept with David and when we would go out and guys would come up and give me attention, he just couldn’t handle it. Those beautiful-sparkly blue eyes and captivating smile just drew me right back in.

        I just don’t understand why it’s so easy to fall back into, and it hurt 100 times worse this time. That’s why I’m afraid of him moving back. I don’t know how I could handle anything worse than this time.

        Do you have any suggestions?! Haha. I know I have to find the strength in me and I need to figure out my boundaries and stick to it. I think one reason it will be difficult is because I don’t want to avoid this group of friends just because he may be around. Annnd my friends clearly aren’t going to help me out because I told “Todd” not to invite me over if they were having a goodbye thing for him and yet, he did, and didn’t tell me he was here. Thankfully, I was out with my hippie loves until almost 3 am.

        The last time I saw him–the cookout at “Todd” and “Jane’s” house–when he was weird/emotionally completely shut off and ended up telling all the guys all that shit about me after I left–I couldn’t hide how I was feeling. Jane was like “what the fuck is wrong with you?” I can keep my feelings to myself as far as my words and not crying in front of people, but I can’t help my energy/facial expressions haha.

        Jane always looks at me when someone says something ridiculous to see my facial reaction–which she announced to everyone and then everyone started looking at me after anyone said something ridiculous (lol thanks Jane…bitch…haha). So…I say that to explain that even though I can be find with my words…my energy/face tells all.

        Man…here I am worrying about something that may not even happen…over-thinking…over-analyzing…being my Virgo self haha. Jeez Louise.

        Haha sorry this is sooo long!

        Love you and I cannot wait to see you soon!!! It’s going to be great!

        Like

  3. I’m laughing at your “written all over your face” part because I am very similar (should be interesting in July, huh). Ha. If you really want my opinion/advice I can only think to give you this little bit on here for now (maybe in July we can chat more though). I see these as two separate issues here…and I just read your newest post on being open, which I could put this comment under but will just leave here.

    One issue is the relationship with Andrew. That’s separate and we can chat all you want about him in July. The other is your friends, feelings, etc. and that’s a little different. You have a rather large group(s) of people you hang with, as I understand it. When I read about you going from person to person, guys and girls alike, asking who said what about this and that I cringed to myself and thought “No…no…no don’t do it!” I know you’re an over-thinker, and I know you want to know…but that will only cause you more mental stress and lower your energy. Nothing at all good comes of that and it wears on your relationships because of the position it puts your friends in (no one likes to tell their friends bad things that are going to cause them hurt, after all, and if they do then I’d question their friendship). Overall, it’s just never good to put people (purposefully) in that position.

    I once had a mentor, an older woman, who gave me two of the best pieces of advice I’d ever received. She’d received them from her mentor who was an older, highly regarded male psychologist in the DC/Maryland area. Anyway, she had me draw on paper 3 circles, like a bullseye. Then I had to write the names of the people, friends, in these circles according to my closeness level. The outer circle would have the most names because these were acquaintances and even bio family members (sadly enough). This outer circle would be people I could socialize with, but not likely call or hang out with privately (you get my meaning here). The middle circle would be those that I would actually call and hang with, would even call a close friend, would go feed their cat or water their plants while they went on vacation, that sort of thing. The innermost circle holds the fewest people and, while I still do all those same things as the middle circle, the difference is that I am vulnerable with this group and not the other. I trust this group of people with my emotions. I am open, which is why there should be very few in that innermost circle. I used to just put everyone in one big circle before, without realizing not everyone belong there. It was a life-changing difference. It took me about a week to figure out the right names for the circles. haha. And of course no one ever sees that but you, but it is good to have and work on, in my opinion.

    The second bit of advice she told me was that all relationships go through 3 phases: Forming, Storming, and Norming. I’ve never forgotten that and always look at my relationships knowing I just have to survive that middle section and get to the norming part. Not sure how helpful that little tidbit is to you, but there it is anyway. 🙂

    Sorry that’s so long. Hope it’s helpful.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha! Totally appreciate you sharing all of that. You’re right about asking my friends stuff. It kills me inside to not know every single detail because I feel like I can’t figure out how I’m supposed to deal with this without knowing everything so it makes me panic haha…when in reality I need to let all of that go in order to really move on, I think. It’s just my anxious mind getting the best of me. I see what you mean about asking my friends. I guess I didn’t really think of that and that’s pretty selfish of me. Thanks for pointing that out-I needed to hear that. As much as it kills me inside not to know. I just wish it hadn’t been brought up to me at all and then just left me hanging lol…people ought to know I cannot even handle that lol but…gotta learn to, I suppose.
      I can’t wait for our trip in July and yes, should be interesting haha! We’ll probably have to make sure we don’t make eye contact at times hahaha.
      Thanks Crystal!
      ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

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