So today’s daily post is the word “open.” I immediately cringed…that’s probably not a good sign.
My mind went straight to being emotionally open. I think there is always a reason that your mind immediately goes to one thing when you read/hear a specific word. I don’t want to talk about being emotionally open. Yet…that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
Them Virgos though…
So anyways…why is so difficult to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and “open?” It’s honestly not that easy to ignore my emotions. I would agree with the over-analyzing them though. I think-Virgo’s feelings/emotions are incredibly deep and we are very sensitive. This would probably be because of over-analyzing nature. “Why did they say that?” “What did I do?” “I wonder if…” “I didn’t do that perfectly, I should have…” “I’m not good enough at that so I should probably just not.” “They won’t think I’m good enough.” “They’re going to judge me.” “If I’m not perfect at this I’m not going to do it.” “They will laugh at me…” blah blah blah. We make ourselves crazy sometimes. Even though we have SO many emotions/feelings/anxieties-more than anything we want to hide them and to never appear to be weak.
In my last post I talked about how I learned to deal with emotional abusers…I said that I choose to not react-because that would show my weaknesses. Wow…can you say Virgo?! I didn’t really think about that being contributed to my natural instinct as a Virgo until now-makes sense. Why show emotions/feelings if they’re going to show my weaknesses?
I just recently thought about this. When things started taking a bad turn with Andrew-I, of course, hit up my good friends through text messages and told everything I was feeling and thinking and all that shit…then asked to go out for drinks. My brother’s gf was working and told me to go see her (works for a taco truck–which David owns/is a cook occasionally, so sometimes I avoid getting those freaking amazing tacos because I don’t want to run into him, but fuck that I’m going to get tacos and beer and hang out with my bro’s gf)…I also texted another friend and she met me out there for tacos and beer and “venting.” I had cried most of the morning/afternoon and texted about how I was feelings to like 4 of my girlfriends. So…once I got there to vent to my ladies-nothing. I WANTED to cry. I WANTED to vent. I WANTED to get it out-but nothing. I smiled and laughed and asked about their days instead. Once prompted to talk about it I did-but I made it sound like no big deal and that it was fine, which makes things so confusing for my friends. They think–“Oh, she’s fine! It’s not actually a big deal to her and she’ll just get over it.” I remember sitting there thinking, “damn-I wish I could cry. I wish I could express how much this SUCKS. I wish people would know that I need them to listen to me.” But instead I assume people don’t actually want to hear about it. I convince myself that I would just be a burden. I guess it’s easy to express myself through messaging because people can respond whenever they have time and they can’t interrupt me.
Another example of this is when I went on a trip a few weeks ago…I texted her before we left for the trip to let her know that I was feeling emotional and told her it was because of Andrew and people making me feel shitty…well, she had homework to do-so on the ride there she did that as I drove-so I cried while driving-silently and kept my my thoughts and feelings inside even though what I really wanted was to tell her everything and her listen to me. I just wanted someone to hear me. She mentioned to me that she’s broken down and cried in front of me so many times, but she has never seen me cry-even though I was next to her-crying. When we were in the hotel one day, I finally started talking some-but then we started talking about her and a guy she was having a problem with. She apologized because she realized that was happening, but it made me shut off. So my feelings of people not actually wanting to hear about my shit is true, right?…no…but ya know. She then left to head back to her class and I laid there and cried to myself, wishing someone was there to hear me. but after that I just forced myself to listen to her shit and get invested in that. It actually helped me to stop thinking about my shit and focus on my school work-so…essentially it helped me to get into a better mindset, I guess. But this was another example of not letting myself open up. I could have told her, “hey…I NEED to talk about this. I NEED you to hear me,” and she absolutely would have.
Anyways…so…I’m trying to figure out how to express myself, I guess. I’m struggling with it though-especially with her pointing out that I wasn’t being there for her. Maybe I need to explain to her the reason I write about my problems so much-it’s the only way I know how. It’s the only time I feel like I can be completely open.
This is just another part of my self-awareness journey. I need to trust my friends and family enough to talk to them about this aspect of who I am.
I hope that-if you’re reading this and it resonates with you-that you will know that you are not alone and that it’s okay to express yourself. I’m there with you and I’m learning how to allow myself to be “open.”