Feelings Feelings Feelings…

So…I messaged Andrew. I know, I knowwhat the hell is wrong with me, right? Ugh. I miss him, though. I miss our “friendship.”

On Friday, our mutual friend Josh (his best friend) asked me what happened between us (apparently-Andrew hadn’t told him about us like I expected that he did)…so I told him and I said I thought it was weird he didn’t know what happened. He said that he wasn’t surprised because Andrew knew he would rag on him for it because he constantly asked him if he had hooked up with me yet…so…

Anyways, so Josh said towards the end of the night, “I’m the only person who actually knows Andrew is a sociopath and treats him like shit because he is one. Everyone else feels a little bit of compassion for him, but I know he’s a sociopath, so I know I can treat him like shit and he doesn’t care.” So I said, in a frustrated way, “exactly. That’s why I haven’t said anything to him-I know he won’t give a shit!” Josh then said (trying to be helpful), “well, even though he may not be able to feel genuinely sorry or understand how you feel-he knows that he should, so he would apologize to you.” What.the.fuck. Like, his best friend, actually-truly-believes he is a sociopath. But what’s the point in hearing an “I’m sorry” if it means nothing?

Hearing Josh say all of this was weird. I’ve speculated and discussed the idea of Andrew being an actual sociopath/psychopath, but the hear it from Josh-it felt too real and that is hard to grasp. How can I care for-and have so much compassion for-a sociopath? Because I’m an empath? Because I want to fix him? Because I see good when it’s probably not actually there? Because I’m too easily fooled? Because he fascinates me and I just want a peak inside the mind of a sociopath even though I know I never actually will? Because I understand his weirdness/darkness in a way that I don’t even understand?

What the actual fuck, though? I actually had drunk sex with a sociopath? Is that what happened? What did happen?

Josh pointed out that he hasn’t moved away for good and will be back in just a couple of months, so I’m going to have to be around him again. Basically-just deal with it and move on. Todd said, “either talk to him in a couple weeks while he’s still gone if that’s easier, or wait until he’s back in a couple of months and you’ll have to be around each other.” 

I’m really doing okay and have found a lot of healing, but I’m scared of what things will be like in a couple of months.

Why did I message him?

Because…I fucking miss “him”-and that scares me. 

Fuck feelings, man…What a confusing place to be. 

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