My Mother.

I started a new class this week and so far I am loving it and thanking God I am DONE with the last class because it is absolutely the most difficult class of the entire program and I am just praying I ended with a B…I’ve been hanging onto a B the entire course, so I’m hoping that I kept it….Anyways…so this new class is “Assessment techniques in counseling.” The first discussion board post was on what we observed from a video of a man with multiple personalities being interviewed and then part of his counseling session. So we had to write about what we noticed about his actions/emotions/behaviors/etc.

This was a cool assignment for me because of growing up with my mom, who-as I’ve mentioned before-has Dissociative Identity Disorder. So when watching the video I noticed some things and understood some things that were happening that others didn’t necessarily pick up on, such as when a little boy alter came forward and was very afraid, but almost immediately another personality came forward and he was a bit rough around the edges. Many of my classmates just discussed his personality as being harsh and not as emotional as others, but I pointed out that he seems to be a “protector,” thus-the reason he stepped forward almost immediately when the scared little boy alter was out. 

I was discussing this with my mom and she started talking about her alters and how she remembered the split happening and what it was like as a kid with it. One thing I talked about in my post (put a link to it in the above paragraph on the word “before”) about her DID was that I may not necessarily know my mom’s “original” personality-who she really is-who she was “meant” to be…So I said to her today, “the one thing that really confuses me is the whole thing with ‘Rigi’ and ‘Theresa’…” She smiled as if she knew that was exactly what I was going to say…she said she doesn’t understand it herself and no one else has ever been able to either. I asked her whether they had ever integrated or are they still separate. She told me that she isn’t sure, but she thought they had integrated a while back, but now she doesn’t know for sure. She told me about when she remembers “Theresa” being there for the first time. She said that she was the protector. She was Rigi‘s strength. She told me that Rigi is the one personality that she feels connected to and that everything Rigi feels, she feels. She also told me at one time, when they thought Rigi and Theresa were integrating-my dad said goodbye to Rigi and was crying. That.fucking.killed.me. I could feel my tears about to come and had to fight it so hard. I would never want “theresa” to think I don’t love her and don’t want her around. I try to imagine them as one. Ultimately-they are-I guess. It’s really confusing. 

I’m thankful for Theresa because she’s probably the reason my mom is even still alive. 

In the video, the guy was very detached emotionally at the beginning-but towards the end, he talked about the brain scans that were done on him to see whether there were differences when other alters came out…and there were. I got to see the brain scans. This was when I saw emotion from him…this scared him…this frustrated him…this upset him. Why? I imagine it’s because it made it real. He can detach emotionally from these other alters because maybe he wonders whether it’s real? Maybe he sees them as different people rather than parts of him (if that makes sense)? But when he saw the scientific proof it was real. This wasn’t made up. These weren’t other people because it was still his actual brain inside of his one body. He cannot detach from that. 

I can’t even fathom what it must be like to hear other voices-having other personalities-some scared-some happy-some mean-some young-some older. Some of these alters hold memories that others do not.

This is my mother. I love all of her personalities even though it’s difficult to understand. 

 

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