What a Whirlwind

The month of August has been a whirlwind. Let. Me. Tell. You.

So I knew back in March that Saturn went into retrograde, but I forgot about that, and honestly, I really don’t know much about Saturn retro.

Until now.

And boy, do I know now.

Thankfully, my aunt sent me a text on August 13th to let me know that Saturn was going direct and sent me a link to a site that talked about Saturn retrograde and the impact that we feel when it goes direct. I had no idea what to expect, but I thought it was pretty interesting to read about the possibilities that Saturn could bring forth…suddenly…July and August started making sense…

…My friend Todd has been going through a hell-of-a-time here recently, and putting Jane through a hell-of-a-time while he’s at it. Our (Todd and me) childhood friend Meg (I’ve written about her before, we reconnected back in May…she was with me the night at the bar/I hooked up with Andrew…you know)…has become a part of our lives again and is coming into our group of friends. Well…she is the first person that Todd ever fell in love with. However, she never reciprocated that love. So…she’s about to go through a divorce and it’s been a really rough time for her. All of a sudden, all of Todd‘s feelings for her were there and he had no idea what to do with them. So he talked to me…he talked to Andrew…he talked to Jane (his wife, btw)…and, basically, all of our friends. He was blowing up her phone, being awkward, and constantly inviting himself to things we were going to. He also started inviting me to hang out on week nights. And we would talk…about everything. He said he wasn’t trying to “use me as a counselor…” but…that’s kind of what was going on.

I told Todd to look underneath the surface…what’s at the core of what is happening with him? Look beyond Meg. What are the real problems?

He suddenly realized that he had so much more to deal with and that his issues were simply triggered by Meg coming back into his life, and that the real problem is not that he is “in love with her.” Even though…he kind of is…a little bit, at least. 

Todd recently turned 29. Meg came back into our lives. He started going out on the weekends and drinking much more and realized that he really missed out on living it up in his 20s. It’s as if he’s already going through a mid-life crisis. He’s lost about 50 lbs? He’s wearing clothes that he could wear in high school. Everywhere we go we hear music from our middle school/high school days. It’s as if the past has just smacked us all in the face and brought us back together…but…it’s terrible timing?

It feels like some movie where some childhood friends all part ways, then 10 or so years later, they all get sent back in time, but even though they’re living in the past, the “present” or the “future” still exists…they still have to return to it…they can’t stay in the past. But they’ve all been sent back to the past for some reason…and they’re all trying to figure out what that reason is.

Anyways…

This past Friday night this amaaaazing local ska band that Todd, Jane and I (and several other friends) used to go see all of the time when we were 19-21. They were reuniting for the 10-year anniversary of their first CD and this was supposed to be the last show they would play together. So, of course, all of us showed up. Even friends who live in other states came up for this show. I was literally in tears when the band got on stage. I looked around to see these people around me that I always considered to be my family…we were all together again, skanking the night away, singing and screaming to the top of our lungs these old songs that we loved.

Also…I can tell I’m much older than I was when we used to go see this band play…Todd fell several times and when we were younger and used to go see them play, I would have just said, “Oh, he’s fine!” Now, I’m like “ARE YOU BROKEN?” …-_-…

On Saturday night, Meg, Todd and I joined our other childhood friend who we have recently reconnected with as well. We went to a brewery to see my brother’s band play. After seeing them play, we wandered over to a bar close by, and what do ya know, my cousin’s band is playing there! Weird. But cool. 

Anyways…so, Meg and I were super crazy exhausted from Friday night…so we decided to dip out. I was a bit tipsy…so after we dropped Meg off at her house, I still knew I wasn’t going to be able to drive home…so Todd and I drove around for a while so I could sober up and he wanted to talk some more. We ended up hanging out until 4 am. This was when I decided that it needed to stop. Out of respect for Jane. Not that I had to stop hanging out with him completely, but that I couldn’t be spending several nights a week-until 3 or 4 am-talking about personal issues. We’re not actually back in high school.

One night, Todd mentioned that Jane had been giving me space for a couple months now because she didn’t want to come off as a “churchy/judgey” person and say the wrong things to me and push me completely out of her life. I told him that I was thankful that she didn’t say things to me like so many other people have. I definitely wasn’t thankful for her semi-absence from my life. It was confusing and weird for me, so it was nice to hear that from Todd, but it still kind of sucked.

Anyways…so Sunday night, I headed down to NC to stay with a friend who was having a procedure done on Monday and I was going to hang out with her/help her out. Well, as soon as I got down there I received text messages from Jane-telling me how much I have hurt her by not inviting her out/choosing everyone in the world over her/making sure Todd was going out rather than her and so on…I reminded her of times I tried, of times I texted her with no response, of times I texted her to tell her how much I loved and missed her and she just told me she was busy/phone was about to die. She knew she had pushed me away because of her not wanting to “say the wrong thing,” but I guess she was surprised that it actually worked? Truth is…she’s been depressed and her and Todd have been having a super difficult time, with her getting her over and over again and she has dysthymia disorder, which basically means she “hates” herself. Everything is her fault, she cannot do anything right, people don’t actually love her, etc. Thank God-we worked things out, we both apologized for certain things and asked each other what we could do differently and overall, it was just a very positive thing and I’m very happy to have my best friend really back in my life.

However, depression and anxiety hit me like a ton of fucking bricks that night and into Monday. It was the very worst I have felt in a very long time. I don’t fully understand why, though. The conversation I had with Jane was difficult-I was feeling overwhelmed by Todd and other friends who have been going through some difficult things…I just had a lot in my head and a lot of burdens being placed on me. I was tired. I felt like I was dead inside.

I tried really hard on Monday to pull my shit together because I was with my friend and meeting up with another friend and I felt horrible being in such a funk, but it literally felt like it was impossible to climb out of this dark hole I was in. After lunch and getting some donuts, my friends and I went to a crystal shop and I bought a new rainbow moonstone ring. It’s really beautiful. I felt so much peace after being in that store and talking to the people in there. There was some kind of positive and healing energy that just helped me climb out of the hole.

So my friends and I went back to my friend’s apartment. I went out that night with one of the friends and had such an amazing night. It was just what I needed.

Then the next day happened.

My friend blew up at me. Shut the door on me while I was still talking to her. I felt really disrespected, but I won’t go into the details of it all…drama, ya know?

Anyways…she was one of my best friends…but…she was also the friend who had sent me text messages making me feel very selfish and threw in the “I’m worried about the choices you’ve been making…” etc. BS…I still had hurt from that and I intended to discuss those things with her, but because of the conversation with Jane and my emotional state, I just couldn’t do it.

So…I rekindled my friendship with my best friend, Jane, and may have lost a friend all in a matter of 2 days.

At first, I was very upset about all of it, but was eventually filled with peace. I’ve been learning so much this year about setting boundaries-figuring out what my boundaries are-letting go of whatever is toxic in my life-speaking up for myself-and, ultimately, not allowing anyone to dictate who I am, or who I can be. 

Saturn is kind of a bitch, to be honest. But also, that bitch had a lot to teach me and my friends.

The website that my aunt sent me said that these were the things that Saturn could possibly be teaching us during the retrograde period:

  • “Learning how to take responsibility for an area of your life that no longer feels good or makes sense.
  • Moving through old, outdated habits from your past, particularly in areas surrounding love and relationships.
  • Learning who to trust and perhaps seeing the truth revealed about someone close to you.
  • Strengthening your intuition or learning how to trust and believe in yourself more.
  • Experiencing “failure” so you can work out where you need to focus your attention, particularly in your career.
  • Adjusting your work- life balance and creating more time for creativity and relaxation.
  • Assessing the power struggles in your life and whether you are seeking power out of fear.
  • Facing your insecurities or fears in order to be free of them.
  • Finding a new sense of independence and not relying on others, perhaps you may have even been let down by someone.
  • Feeling the need to withdraw or spend time alone.
  • Releasing self-criticism or feeling exhausted from the stress or pressure you place on yourself.”
  • This info was found here: http://foreverconscious.com/intuitive-astrology-saturn-turns-direct-august-13th-2016

So…yep.

Although August has been one of the harder months out of the year, it’s also been one of the most transformative.

July was incredible…full of happiness-reconciliation-adventure-etc.

I was so not prepared for August. At. All. 

I’m not sure what September has in store, but I hope it’s a good one. And less exhausting.

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