I haven’t been able to sleep lately. I get in bed and my mind is flooded with nonstop thoughts. Every noise in the house seems to be amplified. My heart races and sometimes I can’t hardly catch my breath. What is it with these restless nights?
I have to be up by 6:30, so tonight is extra sucky.
When I’m alone with my thoughts, I feel every bit of that-alone. Empty? What has happened to me? I’ve been going out with friends…connecting with people on a surface level…but when I’m alone-I have to face my emotions. My loneliness.
It happens sometimes. It always has. Ever since I was in like, middle school. I feel great and happy when I’m with people. Ignoring the feelings inside. Then I shut my door and this emptiness hits me. This feeling of being completely alone. I can just sit in darkness and stay there forever. Almost as if I feel nothing. For a few minutes nothing and no one exists.
Depression? Or is it that I have just been too overwhelmed by the heavy emotions of those around me and I long to just sit in the dark-quiet room and feel nothing and feel no one’s pain?
Being an empath is so exhausting at times and sometimes-it’s just too heavy.
But also, I want love. I want someone to care for me deeper than I’ve ever known before. Why does that scare me so much, though? Deep down-I want that. I don’t believe it will happen…I realized that one night…I was thinking these thoughts about actually settling down and falling in love and it hit me that I can’t picture it…I can’t even fathom it. I can’t understand that kind of love. I realized that I always picture the end result in heart break. I never picture someone loving me forever.
I don’t know why.
I want to go back to how I felt a few months ago. I want to feel my spontaneity and have fun and feel confident again.
How/when/why did I lose that?
Alone-completely and utterly alone-it’s the worst feeling I periodically feel. It’s as if I’ve dug a hole, climbed inside and I don’t have the energy to climb out. I remain in the darkness-staring at the emptiness. That is until I have to leave my room and live life again. I’m happy when I do. I’m happy when I’m forgetting the loneliness.
I just need to sleep.