I’ve written about how I suck with relationships and I never expect any to last, so I just don’t do it and all that shit…but I didn’t understand why I am this way and that I could come up with lots of reasons, but none of them felt right. It finally hit me the other day and I think I understand now…
I had an interview last week for a psychiatric technician job! So for two weeks I spent many hours researching on google/pinterest/youtube to learn about the job, the hospital and job interview tips. I have a pinterest board titled “Get that job, girl!” And it has like 300 pins lol…I typed up and wrote out many pages with “top questions” for interviews, information on the position, information on the hospital/behavioral center…anything and everything. I had checklists…and even had a script in front of me when I did my phone interview (which I only looked at once-it was just there in case my mind went completely blank).
By the time I had my in-person interview…I…was…prepared. I had that shit on lock.
I got the job, by the way! 🙂
I’ve been slightly into the lead singer of Jackmove…which I thought was just a fan crush thing, ya know? Not that anything would ever come of it…but on my birthday he posted that video on my wall and we had a little convo in the comments and it was slightly flirty…then the other day I posted a video from their show and tagged him/a couple other band members and my friends that were with me…he wrote a comment and I replied to him and he wrote “(blushing)” as his reply to it and then I replied back with a smiley face lol…anyways…sooo I had several friends texting me as soon as they saw that and said “WHAT IS HAPPENING?!” or “Girl! You got this shit on lock!” etc. haha…so I finally had the courage to message him. I wrote him about a video I had seen of him playing solo and how much I loved this one song he did and he replied by asking why I was being so sweet and just humbly saying how anyone could play that song, it’s just so beautiful, it wasn’t really beautiful because of him…he’s so fucking sweet and humble and precious. We flirted back and forth for a bit, but it wasn’t like, sexual or anything like that…it was just sweet. For the first time in forever I actually thought about a relationship and was willing to pursue that. I didn’t want to just hookup and I was being super careful to not give off that impression because there were several times I could have turned the flirting that way instead, but like I keep telling my guy friends who keep making it a sexual thing, “I’m not just after his dick!”
All of this got me thinking, though. Actual relationships/not flirting in a sexual way/not just pursuing a hookup causes me SO much anxiety. Why?! Why is it so difficult?!
Because I don’t know what is expected of me.
I took hours and hours and hours preparing for that job interview…I found out what was expected of me and made sure I was going to do everything perfectly.
When I know I’m simply going to hookup with someone/not have a serious relationship, it doesn’t make me anxious because I know what is expected of me. I know that it’s not going to last, so that pressure is gone. They don’t have mental lists of expectations other than sex. I can handle that.
So that’s it…I get anxious because I can’t prepare myself…I get anxious because I can’t google/pinterest/youtube this one person and all of their wants/desires/expectations. I constantly envision the end result as heartache and never working out…never finding love. Because I don’t know how and how do you prepare for something like that?
I know that you don’t...I know that I can’t be prepared or know every single expectation a person has and then change myself to fit those expectations. Figuring this out is half the battle. I am so happy for all of this to have clicked. Whether things work out with homeboy or not, I learned through him and the job interview what the hell my problem is haha.
Does anyone relate to this? Does this make sense?
I know it’s unrealistic to want a list of expectations and a “job description” and a list of the “top ten interview questions” for a relationship.
Now that I know what’s happening…what do I do about it? Lol someone have a list of steps on how to not be like this? Maybe google/pinterest/youtube will help me out haha…
Why am I so weird.