Today sucks. This week sucks. Hormones.fucking.suck.
I’ve known about PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder) for years, but never thought I had it, so I didn’t look into it. Some months before I start my period suck balls, but some months aren’t terrible, so I just assumed I wouldn’t have it since it was always so severe. But the past couple of months have been pretty rough.
July was an amazing month. I was really happy in July. Guess what?! Never had a period in July.
August sucked so bad. Even to the point of feeling like I wished I was dead because I felt as if I was dead on the inside anyways. Guess what?! I had two periods in August.
September has been an absolutely incredible month…until this week. Guess what?! I’m supposed to start my period in two days.
Now…there were shitty situations that happened in August and I did exciting things in July-like traveling and connecting with family, that affected my moods/emotions as well…so that also contributed…
Let me tell you a little bit about the past couple of days…even though I’m a bit uncomfortable sharing this…
I felt shitty all day yesterday…ups and downs…fighting my negativity by trying to feed myself positive thoughts and telling myself that my negative thoughts were irrational and that I needed to think positively in order to attract positive things in my life…I kept reminding myself about Law of Attraction. I read some of the book “You Are a Badass” while I took a bath in epsom salt and diffused lavender essential oil…it helped!…for a few hours. The thoughts eventually came back, but I kept telling myself I just “had to imagine positive things so that those positive things would happen!” Man is that fucking exhausting.
I got about 3 hours of sleep the day before last because I spent Tuesday night hanging out with two of my best friends who are going through some shit…they’re both in therapy, have anxiety/depression and other things and had a lot of men problems to talk about…we painted and drank wine and ate candy…then I sat in the car for three hours while one of them shared some more about the stuff going on. I love being there for my friends. I love my friends. I always want to be there and I don’t want them to feel like I don’t want to hear about their shit or don’t care about them…and they are there for me in equal ways.
Neither of them knew how I was feeling on the inside…I made myself listen, be empathetic, put a smile on my face, try not to space out and not talk about my feelings…because I didn’t think I had a reason to be feeling those feelings and that it would be selfish of me to talk about my menial problems because I didn’t even know what my problems were…
I feel empty. alone. so lonely. so unlovable. ugly. fat. dumb. not good enough. irritable. tired. lonely some more. lonely, mostly. rejected.
(I actually feel super embarrassed about this next part I’m going to write because I feel like a complete idiot for these thoughts…but…I’m going to share it anyways…because that’s what I do in this blog…)
“He didn’t write me back…he doesn’t like me.” “There’s a girl that likes him…she’ll get him because that’s what always happens.” “He probably thinks I’m an idiot and annoying. I’m sure that’s why he isn’t writing me back.” “I’m so dumb for feeling this way. I don’t even know him that well. Why am I so consumed and so sad about this?” “Because I’m alone and I hoped that for once I wouldn’t be.” “I actually imagined someone loving me, but he isn’t writing me back, so that means he won’t, right?” “If someone was interested, they would make more of an effort. So I have to move on. He’s not interested.” “I’m going to write him again…I have a reason, so…might as well try…right?” “YES! He wrote me back this time!” “…now he’s not writing me back again…well…I guess that’s it, then…” “This is irrational! Last time I saw him he found me in the crowd at the show just to come talk to me! He held my hand…It’s fucking social media…have some fucking patience and don’t jump to some negative conclusion…this is ridiculous!” “Maybe he just wants to fuck me and that’s all he wants.” “But why wouldn’t he write back if he’s interested?” “GET OFF OF SOCIAL MEDIA AND CLEAR YOUR MIND.”
So I did…and it helped.
This has been the completely ridiculous fight inside my mind this week, but especially yesterday…It’s ridiculous and the mentally/hormonally stable me knows that and is much more positive/patient/rational…but when it’s the week before my period-the fight inside my mind seems impossible to win.
I feel anxious. I fight the anxiety with mindfulness. I feel depressed. I do activities and stuff that should help me. I get better in both of these areas, but they just hit me again later…because hormones, ya know?
This week hasn’t been completely full of the sadness/anxiety/negative thoughts, though…it’s been up and down…the downs have just sucked really bad.
Today I woke up feeling a little bit better. I was going halloween costume shopping with my brother’s gf because we were going to go to a halloween party tonight! I have been excited about this for a couple weeks now. So…I went over to their house and picked her up…went and got her some food but we didn’t end up having enough time to shop because she had to go to work, so I had to go shop without her and send her pics of different costumes. I felt super irritated about everything, but I was trying really hard to shove that down and stay in a decent mood.
I went and got a cold brew coffee and drank it down pretty fast. I went inside the store and tried on several costumes and as time passed I could feel myself dropping. I felt dizzy and like I was going to faint and I was angry at everyone and everything. I decided to go home and wait for her to get off work and go shopping with her later…but when I got home the feelings kept happening and suddenly my arms were heavy and numb. I ate some food because I was probably just hungry and drank a ton of water because maybe I was dehydrated…nothing helped and now I was crying.
I texted my brother’s gf and told her I would have to skip the party because of how shitty I was feeling…I’ve seriously been looking forward to this party for weeks…but my depression and anxiety and my anger was just too bad. This was when I knew I for sure had to get control of this. I am not trying to go backwards in my social life…anxiety and depression will not creep back into my life and beat me.
I will win.
So…I know it’s hormones (at least the crying/anger/irritability part…) So I decided to google PMDD because why not? Hah…well…the symptoms are: mood swings, sadness, anger, anxiety, hopelessness, panic attacks, excess sleepiness or insomnia, irritability or crying, bloating, change in appetite, depression, diminished interest in usual activities, social dysfunction due to symptoms, fatigue, feeling overwhelmed, food craving, increased sensitivity to rejection, lack of concentration, self-critical thoughts, numbness or tingling in the extremities, acne, dizziness, fainting and a few other symptoms that I don’t actually have (like vision problems/hot flashes)…All that shit, though…all of it...I’ve felt it all this week and I felt it all during most of August. I wasn’t surprised by the emotional stuff but I was surprised by the numbness/dizziness/fainting part of it…I’ve had this happen periodically for a couple of years now but never thought to connect it with hormones…
Knowing what’s going on doesn’t take these thoughts/feelings away, but it does give me understanding for why they’re there and help me to not feel like I’m going insane.
So how do you fight it? Well…antidepressants/birth control are options…also, dietary restrictions and exercise. When I was eating less carbs and running/taking a yoga class-I hardly ever experienced any depression or anxiety…so…I guess I know what to do. Also, apparently caffeine is something that should be restricted during this time…which makes complete sense for why after drinking that cold brew coffee things got really bad almost immediately.
It sucks. It really does. But it gets better.
Just keep fighting.