Emulate Your Expectations

When things ended with Mack, we were supposed to stay friends. Hah. Because obviously that works all of the time.

I’ve learned SO much from our relationship.

Two weeks after things ended I got a text from Todd that it looked like Mack was with someone at the bar…I was going to the bar that night, so I was glad that Todd prepared me for that. When I walked in, Mack was up at the front dancing and singing in front of our friend’s band. When he saw me he pointed at me and said “come here,” he hugged me and kissed my forehead and then I walked away and hung out with Todd. Then I saw her walk up and she was dancing in front of him…like couples do, ya know? Todd and I looked at each other and I knew he was right. Though I saw him hug and kiss another girl. I figured that maybe he was just enjoying his freedom for now?…maybe she wasn’t his new girl? When I was leaving I just waved at him, then he grabbed my arm and said, “don’t leave without hugging me, ya dickhead.” So we hugged, for a long time and he asked me what my schedule was like that week and I told him I was free Tuesday night…he said “come over and we can take and maybe I’ll even make you dinner,” to which I rolled my eyes and said, “yeah ok…” and then agreed to go over there on Tuesday to hang out. Then Tuesday rolled around and I decided not to text him because I wanted to leave it in his hands to see if he actually meant it…no text all day.

The next night, Wednesday, was already difficult for me because that was always the night we both went to the bar, especially if one of our friends was playing music, which they often were, and I always ended up staying the night with him…so I texted him to see if he was going to be out there and he texted, “yeah, but I’m with someone.”  Ouch. I had to talk to him because I thought that maybe I had an STI and he needed to know and I wanted to finally know if he had been sleeping with other people. I didn’t text him back, but when I got there I walked over to him and told him I needed to talk to him, so we went to a table away from other people. We sat down and he looked a little panicked and handed me a cigarette and lit it for me. I told him what I was concerned about and his reaction made me feel like maybe he wasn’t actually surprised…I asked him who all he had slept with and he said, “just my ex…” I said, “that one night?” And he knew which night I meant, he looked at me sheepishly and agreed. I rolled my eyes and shook my head. I asked how many times and he said it was only that one time. That was the only time he actually looked like he was being honest. The rest of the conversation he was overreactive, rambling, voice inflection all over the place, either not enough or too much eye contact…he even pointed out his rambling, “I’m just rambling because I’m so shocked.” Rambling is his downfall. That’s how I knew he was lying to me about not sleeping with his ex that “one night.” He went and got me and him some drinks and when he came back he said, “I gotta go, she’s getting pissed.” Cue the eye rolls.

Later, I got really high and really drunk…too high, actually. The room was spinning and my texts were not quite making sense. I texted him asking if we could get together and talk soon and pointed out that we were supposed to the night before. He seemed irritated by that and the conversation was just kind of weird. Our friend Brian could tell I wasn’t having a good night and it was obvious why…it was also obvious that I was pretty inebriated…he always got me to sing with him on Wednesday nights, but it was always special because Mack cheered louder than anyone and was always so proud of me and pushed me to go up there…

This time was different…I finally got up there to sing with Brian and while singing I saw Mack walk out…with her…holding her hand…and just stared at me…no smile or wave or anything. I felt so sick. 

Which I did actually get sick after that…I went outside, barely able to walk since everything around me was spinning…I had finally told Todd that night about me being concerned about having an STI and then just told him literally every shitty thing Mack ever did, even the physical shit…which lit up Todd’s eyes like I’d never seen before. He said, “let him lay a hand on you. He’ll be dead and Brian’s guitar will be broken because he’ll smash it on his face.” So Todd came outside and sat with me. Then he got one of the bouncers to get him some water and the bouncer brought the water out to me…he’s super cute btw and seemed really sweet and he didn’t actually kick me out but did make sure someone was driving me home. Todd walked me outside and I was almost puking. I started having a panic attack and just leaned up against his truck and closed my eyes. Brian walked up to me and put his hand on my shoulder and said it was going to be ok and then told Todd to take me home immediately…when Brian says “jump,” no matter who he’s saying it to, they say, “how high?” Brian is an Irish man from Boston and when he speaks in his Boston accent (with a twinge of Irish accent in there) people know he’s serious and listen. He’s a good “big brother” to have. 

So…each time I see Mack after this night he’s more closed off and spends most of his time avoiding me…We still texted from time to time. One night I texted him to see when he could get together to talk about things and he rambled on about work and how busy he is and blah blah blah but he should be able to hang out on Sunday…I just responded with “Ok. Sunday’s fine.” And he started asking me what was wrong and I told him I was going to be fine…he told me “I know you will be, but I don’t want you to ever feel like you don’t have someone to talk to. Just like you’re always there for me, I’ll always be there for you.” I trusted that he meant that and I opened up to him…told him my granddaddy was dying and talked about being scared about having an STI and school and work stress, etc. He talked to me and was there for me just like he said he was going to be. This was the first time I actually felt like maybe he cared about me.

The day after my granddaddy passed away I finally went to my Dr and found out I have HPV. So I texted Mack to tell him I was leaving the Dr’s office and wanted to meet up and talk. He told me he was busy and then called me. I told him I had that and he seemed relieved that it was that and nothing else. He apologized for not calling me the night before when my granddaddy passed away and I quietly said “thanks.” He asked me to hang out that week and I told him ok but later I texted him that I probably couldn’t because of wanting to spend time with family. He said that was understandable.

Then things got much more serious with his new girl…

That night was a Wednesday night and Brian was playing at the bar. So I went out there with Todd. I was having a great time hanging out with them and couple other guys…up until around 1130 or so…in walks Mack...which at first was ok because we quickly hugged and talked for a minute. Then she walked in. Todd left, even though I begged him not to. I was going to leave as well, but Brian was going to sing some songs specifically for me because of my granddaddy passing away the night before. I had been having a good night with them up until seeing Mack and the new bitch…to make things a little worse, a friend, who actually knew my granddaddy walked up to me and asked how granddaddy was doing. I had to say, “he passed away last night.” I wasn’t ready to say those words, but I had to. So I cut any emotions off and said it like a robot would…but with a somewhat empathetic smile on my face because I knew that it would be sad news for him since he knew him. He knelt down next to me, apologized and had tears in his eyes and started talking about a memory he had of grandmama and granddaddy coming to see micah and him play…it was a memory I had been thinking about as well…so…emotions kind of hit me even though I was trying to fight them…

So Todd leaves…I’m left with these emotions that I’m trying to fight…I went off to the bathroom and got my shit together. Then I went back in and guess who’s now sitting at my table? Mack and the bitch…actually…his nickname is Fuckface (which was given to him a long time ago by my best friend because she didn’t necessarily care for him…ever) and the bitch is tiny and her name reminds me of fairy…so I have given her the nickname of Fairy Motherfucker.

So Fairy Motherfucker is sitting next to me…we kind of smile at each other, but mostly I just try to avoid any eye contact.

Then Brian asked me to get up there and sing with him on the songs he was singing for my granddaddy…so I reluctantly did…then I gave him a big hug at the end and went and sat down. I got out of there asap after that. Gah…what a sucky night. 

So after a week with family and the funeral that weekend…I had actually taken the next week off for vacation…so I hung out with my grandmama and finished up schoolwork…then I went off on a 2 week road trip. It was only meant to be a weekend haha…but I had the time off, so I took it. Lord knows I needed the escape. It was a very healing time.

Anyways, so even though Mack is super pulling away from me by this point, he’s still always the first person to check my snapchat story…he still stares at me anytime we’re in the same place…even on snapchat he’ll copy my stories. I’ll put where I am, what I’m doing and he’s suddenly he’s doing the same thing and posting it on his story…one time I put up a story of me eating an applesauce packet thing and said, “because I’m 5 years old” and next thing I know he has a pic of him eating ice cream and watching something and said, “I am a child” -_- yet he can’t text me…he can’t actually send me a snapchat.

One night…after getting back from my trip, Todd invites me out to see Brian and another friend play. I made sure I looked good…I put on my leggings that he called my “sex pants” -_- a black short skirt, black shirt, and dark red lipstick. Ya girl was looking pretty good. Mostly because I felt good. I was getting free drinks, anyone and everyone was smiling and talking to me…this wasn’t the same bar we always went to, but it was one we all went to from time to time…then there came Mack and his posse. He gave me a side hug and asked how my trip was. So we all stood around in a group outside the bar as everyone sucked on cancer sticks. We made eye contact and talked as a group. Then she showed up. Cool. So she joined us outside and we smiled at each other. He kept staring at me and talked to me several times. I was happy…I thought this was progress…Fairy Motherfucker and I smiled at each other a couple times and Fuckface and I talked like things were ok. I thought we were going to get past the weird stuff. Though I was super enjoying the fact that he was so obviously “eating his heart out.”

So we all ended up at our regular bar and another friend was playing out there. I ended up getting up there and singing and everyone really enjoyed it, especially these drunk girls that kept telling me to sing…haha…I think girls get excited when other girls are up singing in this bar because it’s usually only guys. So without fail there’s always some lady/girl/woman who comes up and says “get it girl,” “keep singing girl,” or just claps and yells a little louder. Because girl power-ya know? 

Fuckface and Fairy Motherfucker left fairly early in the night, which I was completely ok with. Relieved-actually…even though I had been enjoying the attention.

I honestly thought that perhaps it was in my head and maybe he wasn’t giving me the attention that I felt like he was…but I was going to enjoy it anyways.

Buuuut apparently it was true...Saturday I got a text from Fuckface saying, “don’t be offended if I don’t say hi. Fairy Motherfucker (hah…my name for her, not his-obviously), and I got into a HUGE fight after going to the bars the other night. So to avoid any bullshit with her, I may not say hi.” 

Wow. So he can’t even say hi. Way to go from “I’ll always be there for you” to “don’t be offended if I don’t say hi.” Cool.

But…I decided to just say fuck them. I’m going to have a good fucking night with my friends. Because I had been looking forward to this night for weeks. We were all going downtown and I was hopping around between a few bars to see several bands play-one that included my cousin. 

So…that’s just what I did. I had a blast. Got just the right amount wasted, which I hadn’t done in a while. Hung out with family and friends and pretty successfully avoided the Fuckers. Except for the end of the night…Brian’s band was playing this Irish song that talks about being with all of your friends, so…Todd and I get up on the stage and started singing along and I looked over and there’s Fuckface also up there singing along -_- whatevernothing’s going to stop me from enjoying my night. That fucker got off the stage before me, we made eye contact and he immediately reached for Fairy MFer’s hand…I rolled my eyes and joined my friends and blocked it from my mind for the rest of the night. I caught him staring at me a couple times and my girl Rae (that’s her “name,” too…also, I had texted her earlier that night to let her know about the convo with him and she knew not to leave me alone, so she always walked to each bar with me, even if she wasn’t staying-God I’m thankful for some good friends), looked at me at the beginning of the night and said, “omg…he keeps looking at you and she keeps staring at him to see where he’s looking…” Dumb. Ass. 

So anyways…basically I don’t even exist now.

Yet he’s always the first to look at my snaps and still pull the same shit.

Until this week…I finally pissed him off…you see, back in February, Brian (who’s been friends with Mack for years, but has become my big bro and would always tell Fuckface that I was a “Saint” and an “Angel,” to which he always agreed to, but Brian constantly looked at Fuckface like he was going to fight him), apologized to me that things didn’t turn out the way I wanted with Mack...the convo actually started by him saying, “come here, foxy (because that’s his nickname for me…he has nicknames for everyone), I want to talk to you..” Mack had been sitting next to him and he said, “no, I know what you’re going to talk about!” To which Brian replied, “fuck off!” In his Boston/Irish accent and Mack immediately got up and left…(because, ya know,”jump”–“how high?”). So Brian apologized…then started talking to me about how he admires my intelligence, empathy, and my good heart. Then he said something that was SO sweet but also crushed me a little bit…“I look forward to the day you know your worth…” I stared at the ground-trying not to cry-and looked at him and he was staring at me…I don’t even know how we moved the conversation on, but I’ll never forget that conversation.

So a couple days ago…I started writing again in a journal I had started on my last road trip–I had made sections “physical abuse” “sexual abuse” “manipulation” etc. and I wrote all of the things that Mack has done in those categories…and…ya know…I’ve written about how I don’t like saying “what I deserve,” so I wrote “why I didn’t deserve those things” because I can admit that I didn’t “deserve” those things. Then I had a section “what I want.” On my last trip I wrote in the first few sections…I wasn’t ready to say why I didn’t deserve those things or what I want back then…it’s been a month since then and a lot has changed within me during this past month…so I’m ready…I filled the pages up.

So I wrote on a snapchat story, “back in Feb. a “big bro” said to me, “I look forward to the day you know your worth,” it was both sweet and sad, but I now understand. Expect respect-accept nothing else. However, you must also emulate your expectations.” I didn’t really think that snapchat story would be something that would offend Mack

It wasn’t about him. It was about me. And about wanting to encourage others.

So he viewed it…and even though I had a story after that one he didn’t view that one-I knew he was pissed because of the fact that he didn’t view it…sure enough…a couple hours later he viewed that last one (just a stupid one of me using a filter and being weird) then he deleted and blocked me on snapchat.

…lol…the fuck, homie?…I couldn’t help but laugh at how offended he got by that. 

I had been wanting to delete him from every form of social media since he really isn’t a “friend” because a friend wouldn’t treat me like a piece of shit (he’s even called me that before…in front of friends…)…but…I didn’t want to seem petty or make things more uncomfortable, especially because we see each other and have so many mutual friends. I wondered if he would delete me from Facebook…he hadn’t…but I looked and the next day he was still so salty (lol that word makes me laugh-but it’s just so appropriate) that he deleted me off of Facebook, too.

That one snapchat story about him being a child was some real shit.

Apparently me realizing I deserve to be respected is very offensive. 

Mr. Narcissist can’t comprehend something not being completely directed at him. I actually learned this lesson through my experience with him AND another guy…a mutual friend of ours…the cute bouncer at the bar that I mentioned above...I’ll be writing about that experience later… So…it wasn’t about him.

But everything is actually about him…you know, because the world revolves around his dumb ass.

So…there’s that. I told Todd that he deleted me off of everything and that I had been wanting to anyways, and Todd said this is the best way that could have happened, and he’s absolutely right. Had I done it, I would have felt dumb, petty, and been anxious when I saw him next. So…yeah…this is the best way for all ties to be disconnected.

I’m done having any type of contact with an asshole who treats me like a literal piece of shit. I’m not a piece of shit. I’m not a bad person. I’ve been so good to him. He would have been beyond lucky to have kept me in his life, but I’m way beyond blessed to have him out of my life. I thank God for that and I’m so thankful to have finally realized what I want and that I can and should have what I want.

By the way, I added the “however, you must also emulate your expectations” part because far too many people expect to be treated one way, when they don’t give/show those same things to those they expect them from.

I emulate my expectations. And I’m not accepting less in return. 

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