When You Don’t Want To Remember.

*Trigger warning: I discuss sexual abuse in this post*

 

I hate not knowing how to feel…except for numb…that’s mostly what I feel (when it comes to one situation, anyways)…

I had blocked something out of my mind several months ago. Thing is–I wrote about it (thanks a lot, past Rae), in detail, the day after it happened. I read it about a month ago and it all came back to me.

One night, back in January or February, I stayed the night with Mack…we were having sex and he was hurting me so bad I couldn’t hardly breathe or speak. I tried to stop him and he said, “no, I haven’t cum yet!” and he went harder and faster until I was sobbing. I didn’t even realize I was crying, tbh, until he pointed it out.

He apologized over and over and over and I laid in his bed and cried for a long time. He walked out of the room with his dog and sheepishly said, “we’ll go sleep on the couch,” as if I should feel sorry for him. He came back in after he made himself some food, which we had gone and bought together and were supposed to eat together, and he asked me if I was “still mad at him?” what…the…fuck. Because that’s the thing to be concerned about. Not that he refused to stop when I tried to get him to, but that I wasn’t mad at him anymore and if he could sleep in the bed now.

From that night on, any time he would do a certain thing I tensed up and he would ask me why and was obviously frustrated. I didn’t really understand it either, except I was afraid of it hurting…but like I said, I had blocked it out of my mind that he refused to stop, so I wasn’t fully aware of why I felt the way I did.

BECAUSE YOU FUCKING TRAUMATIZED ME, YA ASSHOLE. 

Idk how to feel.

Sometimes numb. 

Sometimes angry.

Sometimes I feel like panicking a little bit when I see him.

I kind of wish past Rae hadn’t written it all out so that present Rae didn’t have to deal with it. It would have been a good thing to have read back when I was with him…or when I wasn’t with him but still wanted to be. But now that I already can’t stand him? Now I have to remember this? Fantastic.

What do I do with this? How do I deal with this properly? Am I being overreactive? Was it actually a big deal? 

I don’t know.

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